humor Humor

วันพุธที่ 17 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

The Patience of Job

Voltaire said, "God is a comedian playing to an audience afraid to laugh." Translated, if you're a tight ass, there's a two drink minimum to read this article.

Let me just say, I believe in God but like many, I've questioned His existence. Most people will say the reason they doubt God's existence is because, "If there's a God, why is there so much suffering, and why is there war?" Blah, Blah, blah, blah blah?

My sole reason for doubting the existence of God is work. (I, however, never question the existence of a higher power for I worship at his altar every day from 9 to 5.)

If there is a God why do we not have five-day weekends and two-day workweeks? He's God. He can make it happen. In God we trust, right? Well I trust in God to give us a five-day weekend.

Think of the positives of a two-day work week. You'd say things like, "Wow, that workweek really flew bye."

Think of what it would do for the economy because as Americans what are we really, but consumers? Think of it this way. If the United States Senate can get away with only working 110 days a year, why can't we?

Women will have five full days a week to shop, and tell men what to do. Maybe, just maybe, we'll have more time to spend with our kids so they don't remain a bunch of illiterate crack heads.

More people might believe in heaven because life on earth won't be such a living hell.

I believe, with faith, God will grant us my wish. Let me illustrate through the Bible. Isn't it ironic that in the book of the Bible where the name of the person who suffers the most is spelled J.O.B.?

The story of Job is one of perseverance. Job is given leprosy, has his family, money and worldly possessions taken from him and it's all a test of faith. It is a horrible story! I didn't like it when I read it but I said. "Fine, He's God. He can do what He wants. After all, it is His world. Like Job, who am I to question?"

What I can question are employers playing the part of God by expecting us to have the patience of Job in order to keep our job. They may not be giving us infectious diseases but they are sure taking our money, ruining our personal lives, and making work a living hell. (Personally, I don't have the patience of Job. I'm like the Prodigal Son--at the first sign of a party I'm off to the fatted cow happy hour for half-price matzoh and dollar shots of Manishevitz. If I need some bread I'll come back in the morning crawling on my hands and knees.)

In the Book of Job, Job finally said, "Hey God, how bout a little something for the effort?" God responded, "Don't question my authority but you're right. I have been a little harsh on you." Job then had all his riches returned ten-fold. Now that's pretty just, is it not?

Well, I'm asking, "Hey God, how bout a five-day weekend, for the heck of it?" (If you see me on the golf course mid-week you'll know God answered my prayers.)

Michael P. Westhead is the founder of <A target="_new" href="http://www.cutthroatcomedy.com">www.cutthroatcomedy.com</A> which features original quotes, jokes, cartoons, products, and articles focusing on politics, current events and life in general.

The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players

Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst jokes of all time about piano players. Nothing personal, you understand, since I am one. But a little comic relief laughing at ourselves is good for both our soul and our humility.

So without further ado, here are some of the all time worst piano jokes in descending order:

10. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric piano have in common.

Answer: Both suck when you plug them in.

9. What does a piano player dream about?

Answer: Sheet music.

8. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

Answer: A flat minor.

7. What's the difference between a piano accompanianist and a terrorist?

Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

6. How do you make a million dollars playing the piano? Answer: Start with two million.

5. How do you get two piano players to play in perfect unison?

Answer: Shoot one.

4. Did you hear about the piano player who played in rhythm?

Answer: Neither did I.

3. What's the difference between a piano and an onion?

Answer: No one cries when you chop up a piano.

2. What did the piano player get on his IQ test?

Answer: Drool.

1. What's the difference between a medium pizza and a piano player?

Answer: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Pretty bad, eh?

I agree. Now let's all get back to our piano practicing.

PS: None of these lousy jokes are original with me -- they have been around for ages in many forms.

Desiree Bruyere is a free-lance writer and amateur piano player who plays jazz & pop piano strictly for the love of it. She takes piano lessons online and on DVD from her native France, and got started by taking the free 2-year online course in <a target="_new" href="http://www.playpiano.com/">http://www.playpiano.com/</a> Secrets of Exciting Piano Chords & Sizzling Chord Progressions</a> offered worldwide, then later took the <a target="_new" href="http://www.pianolessonsbyvideo.com/">http://www.pianolessonsbyvideo.com/</a>Crash Course In Exciting Piano Playing For Adults</a>

วันอังคารที่ 16 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

<LI>"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer." -- Grace Allen (Gracie)
<LI>"It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else." -- Grace Allen (Gracie)
<LI>"Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door." -- Grace Allen (Gracie)
<LI>"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." -- George Burns
<LI>"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." -- George Burns
<LI>"For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died." -- George Burns
<LI>"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city." -- George Burns
<LI>"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere." -- George Burns
<LI>"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." -- Johnny Carson
<LI>"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president." -- Johnny Carson
<LI>"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill." -- Johnny Carson
<LI>"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food." -- Johnny Carson
<LI>"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money." -- Johnny Carson
<LI>"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." Bill Cosby
<LI>""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."" Bill Cosby
<LI>"Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli." Bill Cosby
<LI>"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit." Bill Cosby
<LI>"I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger." Bill Cosby
<LI>"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first." Bill Cosby
<LI>"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
-- Rita Rudner
<LI>"I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
<LI>"No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
<LI>"On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
-- Jerry Seinfeld
<LI>"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
<LI>"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
<LI>"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
-- Steven Wright
<LI>"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
-- Steven Wright
<LI>"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright
<LI>"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
-- Steven Wright
<LI>"Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
-- Steven Wright

Resource Box - ? Danielle Hollister (2005) is the Publisher of <A HREF="http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp" target="new">BellaOnline Quotations Zine</a>
- A free newsletter for quote lovers featuring more than 10,000 quotations in dozens of categories like - love, friendship, children, inspiration, success, wisdom, family, life, and many more; plus freebies and links to related resources. All new subscribers get one free ad. Read it - <A HREF="http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp" target="new">http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp</A>

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1

Have you ever heard that saying, "The show must go on"? When you hear it, you think of what is commonly referred to as "Show-biz," don't you? But where can you go to see the best acting money can buy, any day of the week? No, I'm not talking about the theatre or TV. I'm talking about the "Restaurant-biz." Servers, bartenders, hostesses, and restaurateurs act on a daily business. Their performance is crucial! Every movement, every word, every bite is an integral part of the restaurant-goers experience, and any one of these parts, if it isn't just right, could lead to the restaurant-goer, well, going.

Many a restaurant owner has held their breath as they flipped to the local restaurant critic's (probably some pompous, pretentious old windbag), page to see what he or she has to say about their establishment. This write-up has the power to make or break a restaurant, especially a privately owned one. Unfortunately the only critiques a server gets to give are given behind a kitchen door, in a server station, or over a beer (or several) at the end of a shift. Well, the restaurant critic has held the pen too long! The time has come for the server to speak up and critique the customer for a change!

I, as a former member of the exclusive club known as the Restaurant Industry, am about to attempt a categorization of several different types of patrons. This will be the first installment of a series I like to call, "The Restaurant Chronicles." In this, Part 1, I will begin a labeling process which will hopefully serve as both comic relief for others in our distinguished field, and also to illuminate those who may unknowingly belong to one (or more) of the following groups. Let's see, where should we begin?

The Chatty-Cathy: This breed of customer is more interested in gabbing and/or gossiping with friends or colleagues than ordering or eating food. She or he is content to have the server stand and wait while finishing the conversation. This customer will ignore the server every time they come back and ask whether a refill or some other service is needed. If the server has to repeatedly ask the question, this customer will often flash a dirty look or make a snide comment.

The Cell Phone Addict: This lonely soul cannot seem to put their cell phone down long enough to even order. They insist on pointing to items on the menu and requiring their server to guess at their order instead of simply putting their phone down and speaking.

The Sally: If you've seen the movie When Harry met Sally, you have seen a frighteningly realistic example of the high-maintenance guest. This person says thing like, "I'll have this roast turkey sandwich, except can I get it with mustard instead of mayonnaise? Actually can I have a little bit of both on the side, and, uh, no tomatoes? Do you have rye bread? Could you have them toast it? And could I have a mixed green salad instead of the pasta salad, but with ranch?I don't like that vinaigrette you guys use. Do you think I could get a coke instead of this tea? It tastes funny." Although they speak in sentences that sound like questions, an experienced server recognizes them for what they truly are, demands.

The Dummy: This simple creature somehow manages to find their way to the restaurant, although it's hard to imagine how. They come in through a door directly below a giant neon sign, flashing the word "OPEN," and ask, with a blank look on their face, "Are you guys open?" The menu may have the word, in huge letters, BREAKFAST on the cover, and they will ask, "Are you guys serving breakfast?" This client teaches their server the art of patience, because it is nearly impossible not to reply sarcastically to such moronic questions.

The Merry Mommy Club: This group of lovely ladies and their lovely children is always a treat, if your idea of a treat is hurdling small children, while at the same time, maneuvering large heavy trays of hot food and liquids without losing your balance, as they run under your feet. This species of diner loves to sit for hours and hours chatting, as they consume only small side dishes of food and sip away gallons of decaffeinated coffee, or every server's favorite, hot tea! They squeak in babynese, and compete in the "My baby can do this?" game. They also are notorious for their lack of observational skills, as their older children compete in creating a virtual "Obstacle Course" for servers and other guests by climbing on top of tables, running behind the counter, and other various activities.

Well, that concludes Part 1 of the Restaurant Chronicles, but fear not, my wonderful readers! I plan to continue my exploration of this fascinating creature, known as the diner, in Part 2. So please come back and learn more about this interesting, exciting, and often times, just plain weird business, we Restaurant folk affectionately refer to as, well?our job.

Toni Kiser is a recently married, college graduate from North Carolina. She worked as a server, manager and bartender in the Restaurant Industry for over 12 years. She now lives in California with her husband, a musician and computer-programmer. She has been writing all her life, and hopes to one day write a collumn in a magazine or newspaper.

วันจันทร์ที่ 15 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

If, An Online Marketers Internet Addiction Poem, Can You Relate to This?

IF, An Online Internet Marketing Poem

If before you have turned on the coffee, or got your kids fed, If you are the last one dressed and ready to leave the house, While others in the family get ready, your still moving a mouse.

If you have more friends online, than you do in real life, And hubby refers to you as his cyber wife.

If you cook dinner between web pages and downloads, And your brain is dreaming about java script codes.

If your daughter tells her teacher moms a computeraholic, And you always push, "view source" to see how web pages tic,

If you are still sitting with blood shot eyes in that chair, While the rest of the family is off having fun somewhere,

If the dishes are piled high on the counter and sink, You know you should be doing them, you just got to hit one more link.

If all of the above in life seem too true, Maybe you should rule your computer, instead of letting it rule you!

----------side note--------------

This poem was first published on my practice site at Yahoo. I recently updated that website page and discovered it had been viewed over 2 million times in the past 3 years. Amazing, and they say poetry doesn't sell. Subscribe to my ezine below to watch an experiment I am doing with a blog on this subject, as well as learning other methods to earn money working from home.

I was no expert when I started, self taught myself all I know. If I can learn how to do this anyone can. Follow along on my journey with me.

----------side note--------------

---------------------------------

Dedicated to my 4 children, who I learned are growing to quickly for me to allow the computer to rule me.

Visit my blog for more articles and resources and humor on Internet Marketing. Writer's Resources for Internet Marketing Subscribe to her poetry mailing list at mailto:poetry@lauriemeade.com?subject=TRAezapoemif Visit here site at <a target="_new" href="http://lauriemeade.com">http://lauriemeade.com</a> or her blog at <a target="_new" href="http://lauriemeade.blogspot.com">http://lauriemeade.blogspot.com</a>

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Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet

We all know the Internet is a great tool for finding out information and sharing knowledge. But as a human sometimes sitting at a computer all day can get quite tedious, especially if it is your job 5 days a week. This feeling can be compounded by other problems in one's personal life, and the result can mean little productivity because of a sour mood. Well humanity does have a lighter side, and this too can be explored on the Internet. Sometimes a little humor or interesting trivia can really take the edge off a bad moment. You'd be surprised at how much comedy and insight is expressed on the Net. I've been exploring what's out there and I just can't stop laughing. Laughter of course is the ultimate medicine and some believe it to be the highest form of life. My only warning is don't get hooked on this stuff as your work ethic will probably become worse than ever! Now, there's a lot of stuff on the Net and not all of it is positive humor, but you can surf around the undesirable stuff with ease. To give you an idea of some funny sites I discovered, here is a short list but I'm sure there are thousands of others you can find by doing simple word searches: <A target="_new" href="http://www.bored.com">www.bored.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.linkydinky.com">www.linkydinky.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.chickenjoke.com">www.chickenjoke.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.crazyfads.com">www.crazyfads.com</A>, <A href="http://www.crazythoughts.com">www.crazythoughts.com</A>, <A target="_new" href="http://www.dancingbush.com">www.dancingbush.com</A>, and <A target="_new" href="http://www.stupidvideos.com">www.stupidvideos.com</A>. I really advise checking out the last site and watching the video entitled 'Evil penguin2'. This nearly brought tears to my eyes as I already have a soft spot for penguins. So, you've got jokes, funny videos, kooky trivia, strange thoughts and perspectives on different aspects of life, and even the most 'powerful' man on Earth-George Bush doing an animated dance imitating John Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever'. You've really got no reason anymore to sit in front of your computer worrying and wallowing in self-pity. I've always thought that humans have put too much emphasis on technological development as opposed to the spiritual side of things. This comedic aspect to the Internet has shown me that people can also be quite clever in more lighthearted endeavors. Some of the ideas on these sites really flip the world upside down and make you question why we do the things the way we do. This could be considered a step forward in our evolution as we see the underlying truths in our cultural systems. Laughter is the key to humanity reaching a higher level of consciousness. Imagine if everyone on our planet could all be happy enough in one moment to laugh at the same time. The Earth would shake, the seas would rise, and all the animals would stop what they're doing to join in. The vibration would probably cause a ripple to flow out into space affecting other planetary systems. Then, imagine all the beings of the Universe laughing at one time. We're talking serious celebrations! We're talking about black holes folding in on themselves in result of the positive energy wave forces demolishing all negative forces in their path! It's called the Laughter Revolution, and it might just be the next step for you to take to reach that long awaited goal of happiness. Come on, take a look around, there's a whole world of funniness just under the surface of our perceived 'normal' reality. We have to wake up and smell the cheese?Oh the sweet cheese.

Jesse S. Somer M6.Net <A target="_new" href="http://www.m6.net">http://www.m6.net</A> Jesse S. Somer is a 'laughing boy' hoping to utilize the human-packed comedy hidden in the Internet to morph into a 'laughing man'. He also hopes to incite others to join in the Laughter Revolution that one day will spread across planet Earth.

humor Humor

วันพุธที่ 17 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

The Patience of Job

The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players

วันอังคารที่ 16 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1

วันจันทร์ที่ 15 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

If, An Online Marketers Internet Addiction Poem, Can You Relate to This?

Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet

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