<LI>"It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."<BR><B>-- Grace Allen (Gracie)</B>
<LI>"Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."<BR><B>-- Grace Allen (Gracie)</B>
<LI>"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."<BR><B>-- George Burns</B>
<LI>"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."<BR><B>-- George Burns</B>
<LI>"For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."<BR><B>-- George Burns</B>
<LI>"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."<BR><B>-- George Burns</B>
<LI>"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."<BR><B>-- George Burns</B>
<LI>"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."<BR><B>-- Johnny Carson</B>
<LI>"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."<BR><B>-- Johnny Carson</B>
<LI>"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."<BR><B>-- Johnny Carson</B>
<LI>"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food."<BR><B>-- Johnny Carson</B>
<LI>"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."<BR><B>-- Johnny Carson</B>
<LI>"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it.""<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>"Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>"I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>"Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."<BR><B>Bill Cosby</B>
<LI>"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
<B>-- Rita Rudner</B>
<LI>"I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
<B>-- Jerry Seinfeld</B>
<LI>"No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
<B>-- Jerry Seinfeld</B>
<LI>"On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
<B>-- Jerry Seinfeld</B>
<LI>"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
<B>-- Jerry Seinfeld</B>
<LI>"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
<B>-- Jerry Seinfeld</B>
<LI>"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
<B>-- Steven Wright</B>
<LI>"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
<B>-- Steven Wright</B>
<LI>"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
<B>-- Steven Wright</B>
<LI>"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
<B>-- Steven Wright</B>
<LI>"Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
<B>-- Steven Wright</B>
Resource Box - ? Danielle Hollister (2005) is the Publisher of <A HREF="http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp" target="new">BellaOnline Quotations Zine</a>
- A free newsletter for quote lovers featuring more than 10,000 quotations in dozens of categories like - love, friendship, children, inspiration, success, wisdom, family, life, and many more; plus freebies and links to related resources. All new subscribers get one free ad. Read it - <A HREF="http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp" target="new">http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art8364.asp</A>
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