วันพุธที่ 31 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Sweet Vengeance Purrfected

I love animals but cats are my favorites. There's just something about them that makes me relate to them so easily. My family has usually always had at least one cat among us as far back as I can remember. As with people there are just some animals that seem to have that special something. Harry was one of them. I fell in love with him almost immediately. The bond between us grew and Harry became my cherished friend and companion as well as a valued member of our family.

Harry's magnetic personality and charismatic manner almost always allowed him to get his way. But on those rare occasions when he was treated unjustly, his vengeance was anything but sweet.

My husband, Scott stood in the doorway looking out at the yard. The grass was quickly shooting up again from the recent rain. The day was sunny but the weather report called for rain the rest of the week.

"I think I'll go cut the grass," he said.

"I'll do it for you, Dad," volunteered Travis, our youngest son.

"It's supposed to rain. I want to get it cut before it gets any higher."

"Just let me finish eating my sandwich," Travis said.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" Scott asked his son.

"No. I'll do it."

Travis gulped down the rest of his sandwich and washed it away with the last bit of pop in the glass. He got up from the table, picked up his plate and glass and placed them in the sink.

"Let me go change clothes first," he told his father.

Travis went upstairs and was back down in a flash. He took the keys from the counter, went outside, unlocked the shed and removed the lawn mower. A few moments later I could smell the sweet scent of fresh cut grass. I loved the smell of grass even though I suffered from most common allergies at that time of year.

Scott and I sat at the kitchen table, engaged in casual conversation when Travis reappeared in the doorway a short while later. His face was a bit flushed and his back had taken on a little more of a golden bronze hue. Little slivers of grass decorated his shoes, socks and lower legs.

"I'm going to take a shower," he said.

"Thanks for taking care of the yard, Trav."

"No problem, Dad."

When Scott rose to refill his glass with Pepsi he noticed Harry sitting in front of the bathroom door.

"He must need in to use the litterbox," I said.

Scott knocked on the bathroom door.

"Trav, Harry needs in to use the litterbox."

Travis did not reply. Assuming that he could not hear over the sound of the running water, Scott knocked a little harder. The water immediately turned off.

"What?!"

"Harry needs in to use the litterbox," Scott said.

"So," came the reply.

"Well, let him in."

"No. He can wait."

"If he goes to the bathroom on the floor you're cleaning it," his father warned.

Only silence came from the other side of the door. Then the rush of the water could be heard again. Harry continued to sit patiently in front of the door waiting to gain entrance. A few minutes later, after finally deciding that the door was not going to open, he gave up.

Travis had changed shoes before he went out to cut the grass. When he came back in, he removed his shoes and left both pair by the door. Harry walked over, sniffed the shoes and squatted. Although I made an attempt to stop him, it was too late. Harry had already urinated on both pair of Travis's shoes. Normally Scott would have been furious but this time he roared with laughter. Grasping his abdomen, he howled until his face was flushed and tears ran down his cheeks. Although I tried not to laugh, a few giggles managed to escape.

On hearing all the commotion, the bathroom door flew open. A still dripping, towel clad Travis appeared in the doorway.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"You wouldn't let Harry in the bathroom so he used your shoes instead of the litterbox. Both pairs!" Scott pointed, as he tried to contain his laughter.

"What?! He didn't," Travis exclaimed as his jaw clenched in anger and his face reddened with embarrassment.

"He did," laughed my husband.

"Dad, it's not funny."

"Oh yes it is."

I nudged my husband to shut up. Scott was enjoying the moment just a little too much. Trav didn't have much of a sense of humor and even less when the joke was on him.

"Harry! Come here. You little...Wait till I get you," Trav muttered as Harry ran around the table.

"Leave him alone. It's nobody's fault but your own. You're the one who wouldn't open the door," his father pointed out. It seemed odd to hear Scott defend a cat but Harry had made a lasting impression on everyone including my husband.

He certainly made an impression on Travis that day. Finally eluded by Harry, Travis stomped back into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Harry was the baby and he knew it. He flopped down on the throw rug in front of the door and groomed himself contentedly. He had proved his point and he was satisfied with the results. It didn't pay to piss Harry off. (Pardon the pun but I couldn't resist.)

Darlene Zagata is a freelance writer and columnist for the print publication Moon Shadows Magazine. She is also the author of "Aftertaste: A Collection of Poems" and "The Choosing." Her work has been published extensively both online and in print. For more information visit her website at <a target="_new" href="http://darlenezagata.tripod.com">http://darlenezagata.tripod.com</a> or contact Darlene at <a href="mailto:darzagata@yahoo.com">darzagata@yahoo.com</a>

He Had It Coming, Your Honor

This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around our sprawling estate, I realized that my life is just way too laid back. What with our perfect children, our incredible level of financial independence and perfect hard bodies, I felt inspired to do something to shake things up a bit.

"Hey, Mr. Man," I said to my sweet Baboo, "What do you say we get up real early in the morning and drive two hours to a hospital as big as Disney World so I can get their Monday Thyroid Biopsy Special? I think that would be a hoot."

"Why sure, Honey," said Man. "I think that'd be just a swell idea. Let's do that."

And so we did. We woke up at dawn, picked out the perfect matching his and her outfits and had our driver take us to the big city while we drank champagne in the back of the limo.

"Ms. Crazy On Your Face, how lovely to see you," said my physician. "Before we begin, let me tell you a little about the procedure. I will be taking samples of fluid from the lumps in your swan-like neck, which will require the use of several needles of varying lengths. You're in charge, so if you feel any discomfort, just tell me and I'll stop."

"Say, Doc. What about the use of some sort of numbing agent for this possible discomfort of which you speak?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't like to use those kinds of medicines before this type of procedure. I find it makes my job more difficult and I'm way too important to have to work hard," said Dr. Evil. "Besides, you'll be fine".

Everyone in the room agreed that what is most important in a situation like this one is keeping it simple for the doctor.

Before I knew it, Dr. Demento placed a pillow under my shoulders and tilted my head backwards as far as it could go. It was as close as I had come to doing a back bend since I was fifteen and trying to impress the testosterone carriers of East Rutherford High.

"Just relax, Dear. But no matter what, do not move one tiny, tiny bit or else something terrible and irreversible could happen to you. And of course, I have no intentions of telling you what that is, so it'll be a complete surprise." he said. "Ok. Here comes the first little stick."

Hmmm.

"Excuse me, Doctor," I said calmly. I think you have confused me with another patient. I'm not here to have the 'Bic ink pen jammed in your throat' biopsy."

"Are you feeling some discomfort?" he asked.

"Why, yes. Now that you mention it, I am."

"Mr. Man, would you come sit beside your overdramatic woman and allow her to hold your hand for support before we begin again?" I took Mr. Man's hand in mine, and drew in a deep breath just like Dr. Torture advised in order to lessen my discomfort. As everyone knows, breathing in and out is every bit as good as a morphine drip. Sometimes, if I don't carefully monitor my breathing at home, I get good and stoned.

"Ok. A little stick again."

"Wow. That's odd," I calmly said to Doc Devil. "When you said 'little stick' I didn't realize you were talking about the one you had picked up from your backyard at home. I'm going to need you to remove the oak branch you have thrust into my neck as it is entirely unpleasant."

"Are you feeling discomfort?" the sorry son of a cherry picker asked.

"In fact, I am," I answered. "And judging by the tears streaming down Mr. Man's face, I'm guessing he is feeling a certain level of discomfort as a result of the large number of bones I have shattered in his hand."

"Nurse Torture, would you mind giving me the biggest needle you can possibly find for my third stick?" Dr. Satan instructed. "If you can't find one at least a foot long, call my wife and ask her to bring something from the private collection I keep in my chamber...uh, I mean my basement."

And so with what resembled a sharp railroad spike hovering over my face, he reminded me again to relax. Once more I heard those magic words, "Little stick."

What happened next you will likely hear more about when I am interviewed by Diane Sawyer from my prison cell. Let's just say I may have caused him a slight amount of discomfort when I attached his Sphynomanometer to his family jewels and ever so gently put his Otoscope in some place other than his ear.

Hey, it's not like I didn't warn him. "Take a deep breath, Big Boy," I said. "You're about to feel a little stick."

Sher Bailey is a freelance writer living somewhere in the midwest, very likely in a trailer park or a van down by the river. Quite the recluse, she makes only the occasional appearance in the Moon Pie section of Wal-Mart or at road side stands that sell pictures of Elvis on crushed velvet. Read more at <a target="_new" href="http://www.Wiping-The-Crazy-Off-My-Face.com">http://www.Wiping-The-Crazy-Off-My-Face.com</a>.

Finding Lost Children

A couple of days ago I had to go to a dealership to get my car fixed. I am not implying that I don't want my car to have children, because who am I to make that choice? More so, I was sent a letter about a recall on one of the parts (the hazards, actually), meaning that the dealership was obligated to fix my car while I watched television and drank free coffee from a vending machine?

"This is quite a deal," you may be thinking.

And I suppose it is. My philosophy was that for every ten minutes I had to wait, I would drink a different variation of coffee. "That'll show 'em to recall my parts," I thought. It didn't matter that I was up all night, a fact that may have been due more to the excitement of the day as opposed to the caffeine anyway. But in truth, it's not this coffee that intrigued me earlier today. It was the three-chambered snack machine next to it that contained M&Ms, nuts and Mike & Ikes. Granted, Mike and Ike are both nuts as actual people. That much has already been documented. However, the truly nutty aspect of this was a typewritten note attached to this machine which read, "Please be honest: this machine helps to find homeless children." Wow, to think that I thought this only dispensed candy, when it actually has the power to locate lost kids. That's one powerful machine, even more so than the coffee machine which happened to double as a hot chocolate maker?

I don't mean to personalize this column to merely address one machine at a random car dealership of which I am not mentioning the name. However, this is an example of what bad wording and grammar can do for a dealership. Once others spot the sentence on the machine, no doubt sobbing mothers will be pleading the machine to find long lost Tommy and Mary, when in reality all the mothers will be offered is a handful of pistachios. Some would argue that this is good enough, but I beg to differ -- because that's the type of person I am...

Or, maybe this isn't false advertising after all. Maybe this one machine can find children by taking advantage of the fact that kids love M&Ms. This is a fact just as well-known as broccoli being green, or greens sometimes being broccoli. So perhaps the kids will smell the candy from wherever they're at, and then come running to the dealership, hopefully looking both ways while passing each of the parked cars...

Regardless of the actual power of this machine, I left the dealership with fixed hazards, as well as with the knowledge that there are some lost kids out there -- and it's no wonder, considering that the only way we reach out to them is by placing machines in locations they will never think to enter...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://ProgressiveRevelations.com">ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

Laughing Toward Truth: Six Tips for Lighthearted Thinkers

Do you believe in the power of your convictions?

It's time to lighten up.

People love attaching themselves to ideas. We can get pretty feisty when one of our beloved beliefs is challenged. We're too busy defending to spend our time analyzing.

Truth has a tendency to get in the way of our beliefs. We like having our rules to live by, our reasons for feeling righteous, and our excuses for ending intellectual exploration. Just as we climb up a ladder, we like counting on certain rungs to hold steady. Thinking about cracks just makes us uneasy.

That approach works if your goal is to reach the top, but it doesn't allow for much examination or lateral growth. Plus, there's always the risk that you'll come crashing down.

Quick quiz: What fills you with more satisfaction--being right or discovering the truth? Of course, the best scenario is discovering that you knew the truth all along. Validation is a huge motivator. That's why we find it more exhilarating to win an argument than to learn more about the other side.

It's kind of like that whole "life is about the journey" concept. The thrill is in the seeking. We've forgotten that. It's as though we went on a treasure hunt, stumbled upon what we thought was the hidden booty, and now we've become complacent.

What if what you found wasn't the real treasure? What if the whole point was to keep looking?

Thinkers have been wrestling with the concept of truth for ages. Socrates was fond of saying that there are only two kinds of beings who do not need philosophy: the gods, who are already wise, and the fools, who think they are wise. We want to be in that large middle group of people who recognize their lack of wisdom and continue their quest for truth and knowledge.

It's helpful to be reminded that our role as humans isn't to figure things out--it's to KEEP ON figuring things out. Don't take my word for it. Here are some truisms about truth from some formidable thinkers.

#1 "The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible." Bertrand Russell, British mathematician

Can't think of any widely held absurd beliefs? You're not trying hard enough! Fashion, pop culture, politics, (gasp!) religion, and virtually every other arena of modern life is full of examples of ideas that have somehow taken hold but defy logic. Good Thinker rule number one is simply this: Never accept an idea just because everyone else does.

#2 "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." Albert Einstein, American physicist

Leave it to Albert to maintain that crucial sense of humor and humility. The more we know, the more we get a clue about how much we don't know. At least, that's the way it's supposed to work. You probably know people who haven't quite come around to that realization yet. Get there now. Accept it, celebrate it, and keep on thinking.

#3 "Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it." Andre Gide, French writer

Your best bet is to hang out with those who are happy to admit that they don't have all the answers. As friends, co-workers and party guests, they tend to be a lot more fun, anyway.

#4 "Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coattails." Clarence Darrow, American attorney

Play the game and have some fun with it, even if you never score. Remember playing games with your friends way back when you were five? You didn't have a clear sense of the rules or even the point of the game, and neither did anyone else. It didn't matter. The reason you were playing was to simply enjoy the game, even if that meant making it up as you went along.

Approach truth-seeking like a five-year-old playing a new game. Don't get caught up in the regulations, and don't keep score. Who cares who's winning?

#5 "And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh." Friedrich Nietzsche, German philosopher

Nietzsche saluted the creative force that feeds us. Despite a life of ill health and misery, he recognized the value of joy in the seeking of truth. Most of us have it a whole lot easier than Nietzsche. We have no excuse for not laughing.

#6 "Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this, except that it ain't so."Mark Twain, American writer

Truth doesn't rise to the surface. You've got to dig for it. Truth doesn't automatically rule; fallacies with excellent public relations campaigns tend to dominate in our culture.

Truth isn't easy, but it isn't supposed to be. If you want to dive into the human experience in all its glory, you're going to be wading through a lot of ideas masquerading as the truth.

Think for yourself, and have some fun with it. Look for truth in the unlikeliest places. Find the absurdity in every idea. The best philosophers have loads of laugh lines. Start creating yours. You'll become a better thinker, a happier truth-seeker, and a more excellent human.

Maya Talisman Frost is a mind masseuse in Portland, Oregon. Through her company, Real-World Mindfulness Training, she teaches fun and effective eyes-wide-open alternatives to meditation. To subscribe to her free weekly ezine, the Friday Mind Massage, please visit <a target="_new" href="http://www.MassageYourMind.com">http://www.MassageYourMind.com</a>

วันจันทร์ที่ 29 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Space, and the Room for It

Space exploration came a long way since I was the size of a measurable amount of it.

I remember with some pain, my first ride on a penny farthing with its big wheel and long spokes that were well engineered to cut a foot or two off anyone's legs.

With good timing though, I used my head and saved my legs.

Anyway, I'm a long time looking and can see nothing in space worth a damn.

What would keep it up?

Some viagra from venus? I don't think so!

Even if there was anything up there, who put it there? And how did they put it there? I never believed that Alien conspiracy business and often thought that a man that couldn't speak his mind, couldn't conquer much.

As for an Alien being green and skinny; we've killed many things that looked like mal-formed frogs and ate the best of them! To think that a white frog would be any more capable, is crazy. What difference would his color be to a mortal with an empty belly and color-blindness issues?

Rubbish, the lot of it!

As well as that, couldn't anyone make up anything about a place that we can't see? Like, above the sky for example.

Bring it down, and show it to me, is what I say.

Is there oil up there? I doubt it. If there was, wouldn't it come down with the rain?

Gold or silver? The same goes for that.

Gas? Okay, there might be gas, but in my experience it is best to leave it there or bury it as was done generations ago.

Someone found a bacteria on Mars, if they did. They could have got it anywhere and its not like bacteria are known to break under interrogation. I'd say that you could get the strongest truth serum and the best you could hope for is a wet bacteria as well as an empty bottle.

So, I ask you; what is up there worth a damn and who would put it there if it was?

And the exploration of space might be a waste of petrol, frog after-taste pills, truth serum and re-location papers for suspicious bacteria.

Thick Mick Henry is an "expert" columnist on history or back passage material, with <a target="_new" href="http://www.thetrivialtimes.com">http://www.TheTrivialTimes.com</a>

The Army Corp of Engineers Having Issues Fixing Breach

The Army Corp of engineers is having a tough time filling in the breaches in the levees. They have tried to use giant sand bags to drop into the hole. Three-Thousand pound bags have been dropped into the breach but to no avail. Lake Pontchartrain has a lot of weight behind it and fixing the breach and pumping out the water could take months.

I therefore have an idea. Now before you say my idea is crazy, remember the President to think on this and that no idea is too far out, we need to put on our thinking caps. Good, I have an idea. Most of the lawyers in New Orleans and the Gulf Coast have lost their offices in Hurricane Katrina. They can no longer practice law, since no courts are open for them to file lawsuits and lawyers will just hamper rebuilding efforts anyway. I therefore propose that we use Lawyers to fill the New Orleans broken Levees. We help expire as many lawyers as it takes to fill up the breach-gap left by the Hurricane with dead lawyers.

Unfortunately they are so full of shit they do not sink very well. Normally human feces floats and a perfect example of that density proof in physics is the stuff already floating in the New Orleans Soup Bowl. I propose to harden them in a fast heavy plaster mixture with sand bags attached to the abdomen, because it you leave the rope attached which you used to coax them into their civic duty, then eventually the head will depart once submerged for several weeks and we do not want a re-breach if their bodies float away. So we need to leave them secured with straps.

Finally a way for the lawyers to pay back society and do some good in the world; Think on this, as there has to be a way to make this happen.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

Funny Things We Dream

I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready to start the day. When I was younger I'd whack the alarm clock, for the fourth time, grumble out of bed and stomp around with a major sour puss. Now I'm up before the alarm clock most mornings, and I don't grumble, not as often as I used to anyway. I'm often anxious to see what the day will bring.

I think I've stumbled upon the reason for my early rise and my cheery outlook. My wife. Yes, she brightens up my days and has given me tremendous motivation, though she still sleeps later than I do, and she tends to grumble, though not too badly.

There's another reason, and this also involves my wife. I believe that laughter is the best medicine, and she makes me laugh. More so, I think a happy attitude is contagious, and the reason I wake up happy might be this: my wife laughs in her sleep.

I kid you not. She laughs out loud. So loud that I'm frequently awakened by her nocturnal guffaws. Sometimes it begins as a chuckle, but many times the laughter just erupts, like she just saw the funniest thing in the world. How can I help but be amused and feel happy myself when I'm treated to this many nights out of a week.

There's more... while still asleep, she tells me what she was laughing about. Here's are the most recent accounts...

One night she rolls over and begins her laughing. I wake up, and wait for her to settle down. Then I ask "What's so funny?"

I wasn't expecting a response, but to my surprise she answered me while still sound asleep. She said "Mrs. Juniper said the juniper wouldn't grow much taller than two feet, but she planted it and the damn thing took off, and it's still growing! Ha ha ha ha...." Then she began to snore again.

I shook my head, rolled over and settled in for the remainder of the night, knowing that we'd both get a kick out the story when I recalled it the following day. We did.

The most recent episode was even better, stranger. This time it seemed like I was already awake before she started laughing, maybe she had been chuckling first and that roused me. Either way, when she stopped her laughter I decided to see if she would talk again.

I asked "Okay, what's so funny this time?"

Her reply was classic. A truly original rambling by a sleeping brain. She said "Orville Redenbacher's plane wouldn't fly so they were trying to hang Orville Redenbacher's plane over the bed by a string. Ha ha ha ha...." Then she conked out.

Again I shook my head, rolled over and anticipated the break of day, when I would share the tale from her sleeping brain with her alert brain. I couldn't wait to see her reaction.

I ask you, being a natural marvel, capable of great intellect, doesn't the human brain have better things to think about? The mechanics of slumbering gray matter perplex me.

Why she laughs in her sleep I don't know, but I'm glad she does. I'm happily married, and I assure you, that will never change!

I'm looking forward to more of her one liners from la-la-land. Can there be more? I'll keep you posted. Heck, if I collect enough maybe I'll write a book!

That's all for now. From my funny little spot in the universe, I bid you well.

Over and out.

Drew Vics, an artist, writer & musician from New Jersey, writes for <a target="_new" href="http://www.Myeyez.net">http://www.Myeyez.net</a>, and for other websites online.

The Zapp Principle

My dad's lab was a mess, but then it was always a mess. This time it was a lightly charred mess, covered with extinguisher gloop. Abdul the camel seemed happy enough though, despite his smoking bum fur.

Also surviving the fartplosion was my father's newest invention, all glowing lights and shiny metal buttons. Dad stood before it, looking very proud.

'This is my second most precious baby,' he announced, as if to a great crowd. 'It's the world's first inter-dimensional instant transporter. I call it a zapporter. When tapped into, the Zapp Principle requires remarkably little power to operate: just a couple of AA batteries, actually.' My dad paused. I clapped once. 'Ahem,' he continued. 'Simply by standing in front of the zapporter and pressing this lever,' my dad reached out to a shiny silver lever, 'which I won't pull now, because I'm not really crazy?'

'Let's assume you were?' I was growing impatient.

'Ah, if I was, and if I did, I would be instantly transported right across the universe, maybe to an advanced alien civilisation!'

I was more than a bit interested now. 'Let's fire this sucker up and take a zap around the solar system!'

My dad looked horrified. 'Good gravy, Raz, we couldn't do that! First, we'd need to take this portable zapporter,' Dad pointed to a smaller machine on the shelf, 'otherwise we could never return to Earth! But even then, we still mustn't go! For what if we were transported to a world where the air was so acid it ate off our skin in seconds and dissolved our bones in minutes? Or if we stepped into a black hole and were compacted to microscopic size like space garbage? No Raz, only an expert astronaut could possibly test my zapporter!'

I was majorly bummed. 'I'm majorly bummed. What good is this invention if we can't play with it? Why don't you invent a transporter for use here on Earth? So we can just instantly zap to Singapore or Hanoi? Now that would be cool.'

'Raz, I'm hoping I can sell my zapporter to NASA or the Chinese. We may soon be very rich! Then we can do what we've always dreamed: buy a farm with lots of chickens and horses!'

'Gross, Dad,' I snorted. 'That might be your dream, but it's my nightmare! Farms are miles from anywhere interesting and usually smell like? farms. I've been to one, remember? Chickens are only cool when they're chopped up in a Vietnamese omelette. And horses? horses?' I spluttered for words. 'Horses haven't been cool since the Middle Ages, since cars were invented. Animals generally stink, are ugly, and have fleas and horrible needs. But horses are the stinkiest, ugliest, most flea-riddled, horribly needy animals of all! Well, they're the second most anyway,' I shuddered. I couldn't even name the worst animal. 'Still, being rich would be cool. As long as we're talking billions.'

'We can always dream, Erasmus.' My dad looked a bit stunned at my outburst. 'Anyway, back to your homework. Bed no later than ten. Brush every tooth first. I have to run a few final tests. And Raz?'

'What?'

'Make sure you stay away from this zapporter.' My dad tried to look all serious. What a joke. 'Okay, Raz? Okay?'

'Okay, Dad,' I lied.

But it was a white lie. A lie to stop my dad from worrying. For I knew better than to care about his dramatic warnings. He clearly needed my help. Soon I would be the first person in history to ride that zapporter. The first to visit another world! Soon I would fly faster than any Earth boy had ever flown before!! I would win a Nobble Prize too, maybe even before my dad!!! Me, Erasmus Einstein James!!!!

My dad leant forward to hug me. I leant back. 'Dad, I'm almost 12 and you're almost 40.'

'I'm still only 38,' he muttered.

'So isn't it time you outgrew this childish need of yours for hugs? Mum's gone. Get over it.'

'I?'

'Hug the damaged animals,' I advised.

'I do,' said my sad Dad. 'Every day. It's good therapy.'

Yeah, right. Poor Pops. 'G'night, Dad.'

I adopted one of my Dad's sick animals once. I won't make that mistake again. Captain Chook was a real fighter, and kind of cute, apart from his hideous internal injuries. I set up that rooster's sick bed right next to my own and provided round the clock snacks and tweet-ment. Every hour Chooky lived, I grew more confident he would survive.

On day three, I rushed home from school. Captain Chook's eyes were shut, but I could tell he was breathing. I reached out to pat his chest feathers. Chooky's eyes flew open. He pecked my hand hard. Blood dribbled out. Then? he died! It was as if Chooky was just waiting to pass on his ugly message before he karked it. There was a war raging between the animal world (e.g., my chook) and human inventions (e.g., the truck that squished my chook).

After half a pack of tissues, I resolved to be on the winning side from that day on. My Dad's soft side only lead to heartbreak, and a stinky room.

Free of such worries, I began packing my backpack. A warm jumper, in case space is as cold as it looks. Space snack food, including two leftover containers of Vietnamese rice. Some handy off-world survival articles: a LameBoy game, mini disc player, my Bratty bear (I've outgrown bears, but this is a koala and could have educational benefits for aliens), a pair of boardies, a novelty hat and party shirt (in case any cuties invite me to a space disco). I packed then unpacked my mobile phone, figuring Uranus would probably be a few million kilometres out of roaming range. Sunscreen, in case I zapped too near the sun (my dad would be pleased). Comb. Toothbrush? Nah. Chocolate toothpaste? Why not? Chocolate bars? For sure.

Hmmm. Something to trade might come in handy too. So I printed out a few dozen schematics (invention plans) and sealed them watertight. Maybe I could trade the plans to build a microwave oven for an alien death-ray off Jar Jar Stinks?

I paused. What if I really did zap to somewhere gross or deadly? Would sunscreen save my bum in a black hole? Then I remembered. I could just transport myself straight back to my dad's lab with the portable zapporter! Everything would be cool, as long as I didn't freak out. And I never did that.

But first, I had to wait until my dad ran out of inventing steam. Around midnight I heard him stagger down the hall to his bedroom. Next came a whump as he collapsed onto his bed, followed by a series of smaller plop sounds that I knew came from the road-kill animals hopping onto his bed with him. I tiptoed down the hall and peered into Dad's room. He was snoring already, still fully dressed, and covered in bandaged mini-beasts. I pulled his door shut (that way, he'd be kept busy a little longer when he awoke, cleaning up their multiple poopsicles (especially Abdul's)), and snuck down the hall toward the secret door.

With luck, I'd be zapped back in time for breakfast, my backpack bloated with booty.

DC Green is the author of 'Erasmus James and the Galactic ZAPP Machine', a funny and action-packed tale of friendship, intergalactic zapping, flatulent horses, environmental havoc and bus-sized chickens for 8-108 year olds. An award-winning fiction and non-fiction writer, DC used to travel the world for surf magazines, mainly because he couldn't afford his own air tickets. He lives on the NSW South Coast of Australia with one slightly crazy daughter and three very crazy cats.

Check out the first four chapters of 'Erasmus James and the Galactic ZAPP Machine' free at DC Green Yarns: <a target="_new" href="http://dcgreenyarns.blogspot.com/">http://dcgreenyarns.blogspot.com/</a>

Order 'Erasmus James and the Galactic ZAPP Machine' at Bookmark Australia: <a target="_new" href="http://www.bookmarkaustralia.com.au/">http://www.bookmarkaustralia.com.au/</a>

How to Build a Cobblestone House

He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down - certainly not if the house was built with cobblestones. Building cobblestone houses was a folk art that flourished in upstate New York from 1825 until the Civil War in 1860. Many of the 700+ cobblestone homes that were built survive today, a testament to their fine craftsmanship.

To build your cobblestone house you'll need 5 main components: cobblestones, soft lime mortar, wood for windows and doors, cut stone blocks for quoins, lintels and sills, and lots of cheap labor. Lets take them one at a time ? assuming the cheap labor is you, your family, friends, relatives and anyone else you can convince to do manual labor for $1.00 to $1.50 per day.

The first step is to gather the cobblestones. This may take several years. Cobblestones are small fist-sized stones deposited by the glaciers that swept from the north millennia ago. Rough-shaped ones can be gathered from the farm fields or rounded, lake-washed ones can be gathered along the shore of Lake Ontario. You'll need over 14,000 cobblestones, so get cracking. As the manly work of stone gathering progresses, the women and children can be kept busy sorting the stones by size and color. You'll want to use the finest, smoothest, similar-sized stones on the front of your house, and save the rougher, odd-sized ones for the back, sides and interior of the walls.

While this is progressing, you better start preparing the soft lime mortar. Don't skimp and use Portland cement. It dries too fast and will pop the cobbles out as it dries. Soft lime mortar is made of lime, sand and water. Find limestone (calcium carbonate) or dolomite (magnesium carbonate) and break it into pieces. Burn it within heaps of logs for 2 to 3 days to create quicklime. Add water to the quicklime to create a hydrated lime sludge.

Mix in 5 to 9 bushels of sand to 1 bushel of lime sludge. Age the mortar in a ground pit covered by sand or cow manure for up to a year. Fell a bunch of trees. They'll need to be hand-hewn to build the doors and windows ? each custom fitted to a specific opening. Also, find a quarry where you can get limestone or sandstone blocks for the corners of your building (quoins) and as structural support over the doors and windows (lintels) and under the windows (sils).

Now the fun begins. Start by laying the stones in walls 18 to 20-inches-thick. Build the wall with rubble stone, faced by cobbles. Use elongated or triangular shaped stones to tie the cobbles to the rubble wall. Use the soft lime mortar as your glue, getting fancy with straight ridges between the horizontal and vertical rows of cobbles. Build about 3 rows (or courses) per day so the mortar has time to slowly begin setting. It will take 35 years for the mortar to fully harden. Lay in the cut-stone blocks at the corners to create quoins. To finish the inside, apply horsehair plaster to the stone.

Once the walls are above reach, you'll have to build scaffolding by burying poles in the ground 6 to 8 feet from the wall and tying cross members from the wall to the poles with hickory witches. Then lay planks on the cross members to provide a building platform. As the walls rise, you'll have to repeatedly raise the height of the scaffolding. Attach a crane and tackles to the highest pole to winch up buckets of cobblestones and mortar. Hand build your windows and doors to fit each opening and hand-hew trusses for your roof. Winter is a good time to do much of your carpentry work. Depending on how many workers you have and their skill level, you may finish in a year. More likely, the building process will take about 3 years.

When you're done, you'll have a fine home that will stand for centuries. Go see for yourself. A new guidebook called &quot;Cobblestone Quest ? Road Tours of New York's Historic Buildings&quot; (Footprint Press, www.footprintpress.com, 1-800-431-1579) offers 17 self-guided car or bicycle tours for viewing the diversity of cobblestone buildings clustered within a 65-mile radius of Rochester, NY, and no where else in the world.

"Cobblestone Quest - Road Tours of New York's Historic Buildings" By Rich & Sue Freeman

17 self-guided car or bicycle tours for learning the history and observing the diversity of unique cobblestone buildings in Western New York State. http://www.footprintpress.com/Cobblestone/CobblestonePreview.htm 208 pages, 20 maps, 85 photos, indexed, paperback, 10 X 7 inches Price: $19.95, ISBN# 1930480199 Footprint Press, Inc., www.footprintpress.com

### Photos available ? email sue@footprrintpress.com or call 585-421-9383.

Rich and Sue Freeman decided to make their living from what they love-being outdoors. In 1996 they left corporate jobs to spend six months hiking 2,200 miles on the Appalachian Trail from Georgia to Maine. That adventure inspired them to share this love by introducing others to the joys of hiking. They decided to focus on short hikes, near home and wrote &quot;Take A Hike! Family Walks in the Rochester Area.&quot; They went on to explore hiking, backpacking, bicycling, skiing, and snowshoeing trails, waterfalls, and waterways for paddling throughout central and western New York State. Along the way, they kept discovering unique and beautiful places in this region. They saw unusual &quot;potato&quot; houses (to quote an architectural student visiting the area from New York City). Of course, these weren't potato houses at all. They were cobblestone houses. They not only inspired the architectural student, but they inspired the Freemans to find out more and share their find with others. Cobblestone Quest is the result of that curiosity. This is the Freemans' 14th guidebook.

วันอาทิตย์ที่ 28 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Cloning Advantage Super Families

As the cloning debate of humankind continues we find ourselves in an interesting predicament. We see the need of self to extend past one's own lifetime as an innate characteristic; self-preservation has always been one of mankind's greatest drivers of motivation. World Religions in their haste to rally group support and social order amongst the masses have in fact been able to capitalize on this to a large degree, purposing the idea of eternal salvation for a promise of the individual in this life time to do as they are told and live their life in a certain way. That certain way includes among other things; not upsetting the current hierarchy of power. Human Beings obviously have questions which need to be answered such as; How did I get here, How did all this begin, what happens to me when I die and what will happen to the entirety of all I see in the end, when will it all end. World Religions can use these needs of the individual to know such things as a lever to control their psyche, by carefully answering all those questions in some sort of believable and yet un-provable way. Of course over time as more scientific light is shed on various subjects these religions must adapt their story line a bit to keep all the believers buying the storyline. Most of the most successful religions have done a good job of using vague comments on the answers so that they are able to adapt over time.

As the language changes they can revert back to the old definitions, adopt the new ones, take a broader interpretation in a non-literal sense or stick with a fundamentalist exact reading. Often different groups in different regions or cultures may adopt all of these methods. Similar to our laws, where you as an individual can do anything you wish provided you have the right lawyer to re-interpret the law, use the letter of the law, use case law on either side to shed light on the grayness of the law. In the end all truth is relative from the perspective of the individual, judge or jury you see? Why is this important? What does this have to do with Cloning? Well simple, those against cloning are generally fundamentalist in thinking or they simply cannot comprehend the benefits or short falls which cloning might cause and therefore have sided with the fundamentalists views as a fall back position.

Cloning has some serious advantages in that genetically speaking those who at first can afford to clone will come from men of means or of wealth. Having more than one of you might be an incredible leg up on the world no doubt. Many people with similar vision and skills will be able to do more with less and further ones efforts in society, business, leadership positions, etc. If entire family units are made up of those who are cloned, who pool resources they will in fact do better than families who are not working together so closely and are not cloned, lack the discipline of a purposeful and united vision or are diffused as each sets out into the world to make their way. Which is generally the case in America. Where we train our young to go out into the world get a college degree and go work for large companies or other families who own businesses and corporations. Those other families and their accumulated teams, corporations, networked groups and families thus use those who wish to make a name for themselves the opportunity to advance within a new family, the corporation. For this the rising young star can be highly compensated or economically enslaved if they fail to meet expectations of the whole of the family, corporation or it's shareholders.

This of course we already know. As we watch the classic fight between union and company and the fights of corporations and families from many different countries work together at times and then duke it out in the market place at others, often enlisting government to tilt the field in their favor long enough to level another blow to their competitor. Meanwhile the young new entrant into the economic minded family is barraged with a number of decisions as to what they want out of their personal life for fulfillment as they sift through the mixed messages of advertising, peer pressure, religious doctrines, governmental rallied nationalism or attraction of a mate.

The capitalist or founding families of the companies or those heavily leveraged in its' outcome and success reap from these efforts along with the individual rising star or up and coming if they are to treat their efforts and dedication the same way with the same convictions. This is done by incentives, stock options, golden handcuffs, great titles, social status and money, perceived wealth and/or the ability to further leverage future earnings through borrowing from credit unions and banks to live at a higher standard of living or in a belief system of quality of life and arrival to a new plateau in ones career? Is this good or bad? Well it just is and this need of the individual is balanced around the needs of the corporation. Again why is this important to cloning? Well in cloning those who are cloned can serve the needs of the individual advancement within the group in a way never before possible outside the close run wealthy class families.

At first cloning will only be available to those who have the capacity to pay for it and only those who have out of country hideaways to do it, since the entire socio-economic models of capitalism currently in place in most countries might be in jeopardy as those with the capital could lose their power to those with the greatest number of inter-related family clones. In many countries we have extremely powerful groups of families and in some cases one family in control of the entire country, the people of these countries are allowed enough latitude of freedom as long as they perform for helping in the system. Those who do not go along with these pre-agreed upon methods are killed, exiled, leave, made slaves or are sent to prison. Those in charge continue to make sure they also rule over the form of government in such a way, which keeps them in power, wouldn't you? If your answer is no and you are benevolent by nature, it would not take you very long to convert.

We need to be thinking if we are ready for a paradigm shift which might change the balance of power of Corporations by creating Super Families of Clones. Think about it.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

The Worlds First Comedian?

If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must be sincerely old. That's because he appeared around 400 B.C., and back then the videos were pretty bad.

This amazing Greek dramatist knew how to communicate through comedy. Like present-day humorists, much of his work focused on current events or politicians.

What can we learn from this ancient wordsmith?

1. Humor can be a great teaching device. One of his early plays ? &quot;The Clouds&quot; ? talks about an old man trying to solve problems by enrolling in a &quot;thinking school.&quot;

2. Repetition ? Aristophanes reinforced the main points of his plays by repeating major themes, often in verse.

3. Rhythm and song ? These found their way into the author's works as a helpful memory device. In fact, you might call Aristophanes &quot;the great-great grandfather of musical comedy.&quot;

4. Fantasy ? In his play &quot;The Frogs&quot; Aristophanes tells about a trip to Hades to bring the author Euripides back to earth.

5. Offbeat comedy ? Some critics claim a few of his comedies were intentionally silly. In some, a character from the play would step forward to address the audience. This person may have been one of the earliest &quot;stand-up comics.&quot;

6. Segmentation ? A few critics say that Aristophanes' writing skipped from one subject to another, and often seemed disconnected. Others, however, saw that this ancient author knew how to change subjects easily ? and create powerful scenes ? by weaving a single theme throughout each presentation.

Rix Quinn writes the nationally syndicated weekly humor feature &quot;Poor Rix's Almanac.&quot; His book &quot;Words That Stick&quot; is available from your local bookstore, or <a target="_new" href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1580085768/qid/">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1580085768/qid/</a>

วันเสาร์ที่ 27 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident of the Alaska Zoo since 1983. The Zoo recently decided that Maggie needs nicer quarters, more attention, and a treadmill. She weighs 9,100 pounds and does not get enough exercise, especially during the long Alaskan winter months.

Alaska Zoo officials debated this past year about whether to keep Maggie. She has been the only elephant in the zoo since 1997 when her companion of 14 years, Annabelle, died. Some experts believe that in order to be healthy and happy a zoo elephant should be part of a small herd of 3 or more.

The Zoo's elephant committee decided that the risks of moving Maggie out of state and of totally changing her life were too great. Besides, she seems happy here and she has a familiar &quot;herd&quot; in Alaska already. Numerous Zoo officials, animal handlers and exercisers, and familiar frequent visitors spend many hours a day with her.

In order to increase Maggie's comfort and health, zoo officials decided to give Maggie's living quarters softer flooring and better ventilation. Zoo staff will also increase the number of hours that they spend with Maggie from 8 hours daily to 12 to 16 hours daily.

Finally, the Zoo will help Maggie get more year-round exercise and lose weight. They will purchase an elephant-sized treadmill. However, nobody has ever designed or built an elephant treadmill. Designs are being developed now, but if you have any good ideas bring them forward.

Then stand in line behind me to watch Maggie work out on her new treadmill.

Can you imagine the elephant-sized headphones and iPod that she'll need?

*****************************

Garry Gamber is a public school teacher and entrepreneur. He writes articles about real estate, health and nutrition, and internet dating services. He is the owner of <a target="_new" href="http://www.Anchorage-Homes.com">http://www.Anchorage-Homes.com</a> and <a target="_new" href="http://www.TheDatingAdvisor.com">http://www.TheDatingAdvisor.com</a>.

วันศุกร์ที่ 26 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

If, An Online Marketers Internet Addiction Poem, Can You Relate to This?

IF, An Online Internet Marketing Poem

If before you have turned on the coffee, or got your kids fed, If you are the last one dressed and ready to leave the house, While others in the family get ready, your still moving a mouse.

If you have more friends online, than you do in real life, And hubby refers to you as his cyber wife.

If you cook dinner between web pages and downloads, And your brain is dreaming about java script codes.

If your daughter tells her teacher moms a computeraholic, And you always push, "view source" to see how web pages tic,

If you are still sitting with blood shot eyes in that chair, While the rest of the family is off having fun somewhere,

If the dishes are piled high on the counter and sink, You know you should be doing them, you just got to hit one more link.

If all of the above in life seem too true, Maybe you should rule your computer, instead of letting it rule you!

----------side note--------------

This poem was first published on my practice site at Yahoo. I recently updated that website page and discovered it had been viewed over 2 million times in the past 3 years. Amazing, and they say poetry doesn't sell. Subscribe to my ezine below to watch an experiment I am doing with a blog on this subject, as well as learning other methods to earn money working from home.

I was no expert when I started, self taught myself all I know. If I can learn how to do this anyone can. Follow along on my journey with me.

----------side note--------------

By Laurie Meade Copyright 2002-2005 All Rights Reserved.

---------------------------------

Dedicated to my 4 children, who I learned are growing to quickly for me to allow the computer to rule me.

Visit my blog for more articles and resources and humor on Internet Marketing. Writer's Resources for Internet Marketing Subscribe to her poetry mailing list at mailto:poetry@lauriemeade.com?subject=TRAezapoemif Visit here site at <a target="_new" href="http://lauriemeade.com">http://lauriemeade.com</a> or her blog at <a target="_new" href="http://lauriemeade.blogspot.com">http://lauriemeade.blogspot.com</a>

---------------------------------

Starbucks Going into Hilton

Well, I hope you did not read that headline wrong, Crew Member Starbucks is not doing Paris Hilton. What I am saying here is Starbucks will now be offered in some Hilton Hotels. Just think you can watch Paris the skinny blonde babe on your infomercial in room TV ad for a Starbucks, run down to the lobby to and buy a fattening Frappachino.

Imagine the benefits of having Starbucks in your room? Sounds good and while you are on vacation who cares if you get fat and look like crap in our bathing suit by the pool. Chances are Paris Hilton will not be there anyway, she will be in Paris getting married to a different Paris? If all this is just getting too darn confusing for you, do not worry about it. But realize your Starbucks Card will not work in Hilton Hotels but they do take American Express?

Starbucks will be continually adding world wide partners to promote their brand and are big on entering the Chinese Market by way of franchising or license branding with Chinese Partners. Just think all those skinny Chinese people who now smoke two packs of day of US Cigarettes will be able to get nice and plumb on over priced frappachinos. Isn't that wonderful. The only problem I see is will 1.2 Billion Chinese people run out of space in their country? And will they be able to squeeze them all into the Jet Liners when they come to America to sell their wares. Or will the A-380 be ready for much bigger seats for all these newly rich, cancer ridden, over weight, Charlie Chocolate Factory rolly polly Chinese?

Think on Globalization, ya gotta love it.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

วันพุธที่ 24 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

How To Get Attention, or: As You Read This, You Feel an Irresistible Urge to Go On Reading!

We all want attention. As children we crave the attention of our parents. Later in life, we want to be seen and noticed by friends and family. And when running most any type of business, we must attract the attention of our potential customers.

But how do you get somebody's undivided attention? When you were an infant, you got attention by screaming and crying. Then your parents knew you needed your diapers changed. As an adult, you can try using the same method to get noticed. Sure, you will get noticed - but in a negative way!

On the Internet, every website that is selling something has the need to be attention-grabbing within seconds; to make the visitors read about their offer rather than just clicking away. Some are then tempted to use the infant method of getting attention: screaming and yelling.

Popup-windows that pop up in your face and obscure the page text you're just trying to read, is one example. Flash-generated intro's that stop you in your tracks and say "Heeey, wait - before you read about our products I've got this f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c visual effect to show you...!" is another example of attention-grabbing contraptions that actually defeat their own purpose. They visually yell and scream at you, and draw your attention to the fact that you'd better spend your precious time somewhere else.

Then there is the type of web page that plays some sound effect the moment you arrive. Either it is a piece of music (always just the kind you hate!) or a recorded sales pitch.

Oh yes, then there is the Blinking Text... which blinks at frantic pace, just right to trigger an epileptic seizure.

One of my websites is called "The Hosting Finder". Primarily, it offers some reviews of carefully selected web hosting companies. I am not selling anything on this website, and so I do not feel it would be appropriate to use a hard-selling jargon in my introductory headline. Right now, it reads:

" Finding a Web Hosting Provider That Will Take Good Care of Your Precious Web Pages ... Can Be Confusing "

(I then explain how I researched the web to find good hosting services based on un-biased customer ratings rather than hype.)

Recently, a marketing consultant offered to look at this website and give me some feedback at no cost. I accepted, and after checking my landing page he declared the headline to be "generic and bland". Instead, he suggested the following:

" Want An Objective 'Client Feedback' Guide To Help You Find A 100% Trustworthy, Inexpensive, And Complete Web Hosting Service Provider (Based On Survey Results, Not Marketing Propaganda) -- With All The Options You Need To Run Your Web Site Smoothly And Successfully?

Avoid The Hosting Nightmare Of Trying To Keep Your Site Live And Running Smoothly... Stop Wasting Time And Money In Costly Bad Service "

In my reply, I thanked him for his trouble. I also pointed out that this flood of words might not be the optimal way of building confidence in my integrity as the provider of impartial reviews on web hosting.

Maybe I am wrong, who knows. Perhaps I should start yelling and screaming just like everybody else? But I just don't like the idea of doing that. I'd rather hypnotize people into reading my texts. Some marketing gurus advocate this approach. Here are a few examples of how you're supposed to hypnotize people:

1. As you keep reading this ad copy, you are feeling more and more compelled to experience all the benefits of our product.

2. The more you understand just how valuable our product could be to your life, the less you think about delaying this important purchase.

3. After you read this short ad you will feel like your problems are almost completely solved, all you will have to do is order.

Well, don't you feel compelled to reach for your wallet right now?! These examples are not intended as a joke; they are seriously trying to persuade people. And maybe they are, although I personally find them more amusing than hypnotizing. - I'll make a pause here; I just feel I have to go out and buy something! :-)

OK, I am back. Time to finish this little essay on how to get attention. Oh, you have read this far? So I have managed to keep your attention then! I did it by ... no, I won't give my secret away. You'll have to read my Special Report, which I'm selling for ONLY $97. But hurry, this exclusive limited special offer is expiring, and will always expire, at midnight; whatever day you happen to read this! :-)

Kai Virihaur is a researcher, web developer, and artist. He runs The Hosting Finder ( <a target="_new" href="http://www.thehostingfinder.com">http://www.thehostingfinder.com</a> ), a web hosting directory featuring articles and RSS feeds on web development, website promotion, and online marketing.

The article may be used freely as long as this resource box, with intact hyperlink, is included.

Dumb Luck

I've never really thought of myself as being funny. I don't have much of a sense of humor at all. My ex-husband used to tell me dumb jokes all the time and I didn't laugh, not even to be polite like everyone else would do. Yet the strange thing is that people who've read some of my life stories have found them to be hilarious. I'm not sure if that's good or bad considering those stories actually happened.

Let me put it another way: I'm not really funny; I just do dumb things. What kind of things you might ask. Well, the usual like walking down the street with my daughter, running my mouth at full speed until I walk right into the pole that I didn't see. I didn't find that episode the least bit humorous although my daughter and everyone else on the street did. See, I told you I have no sense of humor.

Doing dumb things seems to be part of my nature. For example, I used to love going to bingo. In fact, I was practically addicted. My sister-in-law and I would go to bingo faithfully and I will never forget some of our most embarrassing bingo moments.

One night as we were rushing to get to our favorite bingo, my sister-in-law, Sue took a leap of faith. And I do mean leap. Well, in all honesty it was more of a splat! She was running late as usual so she parked her car in the parking lot of the employment office which was right behind my house. The lodge where the bingo was being held was right across the street from my home. Sue hurriedly parked, grabbed her purse and bingo supplies, locked the car door and ran through the parking lot toward my house not realizing that a chain was blocking the other end of the lot. She ran right into the chain which sent her flying onto the concrete roadway as a rain of bingo chips fell down around her. Although her hands got scraped up a bit as she tried to brace for her fall, the embarrassment was more painful.

Then I recall another time when me and Sue decided to go to a late night bingo where the prizes were pretty high and we felt lucky. Apparently a lot of other people felt lucky too because when we got there the place was so crowded that we were offered two options: either turn around and go home (we drove quite a distance to get there) or sit on the floor. As we looked around at the other people who had opted for the second choice, we decided to join them. Our seating arrangements turned out to be in a most convenient spot - right next to the ladies restroom. At least I didn't have far to go to relieve myself of the vast amount of caffeine I had consumed throughout the day.

But as with most things, it did have its downside. Women kept stepping over us all night long on their way to the potty. My knees went stiff after sitting in semi-lotus position for over three hours and to top off the perfect night my entire winnings totaled a whopping five dollars! But the night wasn't over yet. It was kind of freaky when I glanced up at the window directly across the room from me and saw my husband's face gazing back at me. In the fraction of a second that it took to blink, I glanced back at the window and he was gone. I told my sister-in-law about the strange sighting but she just laughed and said he was on my mind.

As we filed out of the bingo hall with numb rear ends and lighter pockets, I heard my name cut through the night air in a harsh sounding but familiar tone. The bingo had actually lasted longer than we had anticipated and my husband was worried, not to mention, jealous and not as trusting as he should have been. All I heard was, "Get in the car!" I knew it was a waste of time to even argue. I was just glad that he could never stay mad at me for very long, even though I hadn't done anything wrong anyway.

It was certainly not a profitable night for me or my sister-in-law. Lady Luck had left us with sore buns, stiff knees an empty pockets. Talk about dumb luck!

Darlene Zagata is a freelance writer and columnist for the print publication Moon Shadows Magazine. She is also the author of "Aftertaste: A Collection of Poems" and "The Choosing." Her work has been published extensively both online and in print. For more information visit her website at <a target="_new" href="http://darlenezagata.tripod.com">http://darlenezagata.tripod.com</a> or contact Darlene at <a href="mailto:darzagata@yahoo.com">darzagata@yahoo.com</a>

Finding Lost Children

A couple of days ago I had to go to a dealership to get my car fixed. I am not implying that I don't want my car to have children, because who am I to make that choice? More so, I was sent a letter about a recall on one of the parts (the hazards, actually), meaning that the dealership was obligated to fix my car while I watched television and drank free coffee from a vending machine?

"This is quite a deal," you may be thinking.

And I suppose it is. My philosophy was that for every ten minutes I had to wait, I would drink a different variation of coffee. "That'll show 'em to recall my parts," I thought. It didn't matter that I was up all night, a fact that may have been due more to the excitement of the day as opposed to the caffeine anyway. But in truth, it's not this coffee that intrigued me earlier today. It was the three-chambered snack machine next to it that contained M&Ms, nuts and Mike & Ikes. Granted, Mike and Ike are both nuts as actual people. That much has already been documented. However, the truly nutty aspect of this was a typewritten note attached to this machine which read, "Please be honest: this machine helps to find homeless children." Wow, to think that I thought this only dispensed candy, when it actually has the power to locate lost kids. That's one powerful machine, even more so than the coffee machine which happened to double as a hot chocolate maker?

I don't mean to personalize this column to merely address one machine at a random car dealership of which I am not mentioning the name. However, this is an example of what bad wording and grammar can do for a dealership. Once others spot the sentence on the machine, no doubt sobbing mothers will be pleading the machine to find long lost Tommy and Mary, when in reality all the mothers will be offered is a handful of pistachios. Some would argue that this is good enough, but I beg to differ -- because that's the type of person I am...

Or, maybe this isn't false advertising after all. Maybe this one machine can find children by taking advantage of the fact that kids love M&Ms. This is a fact just as well-known as broccoli being green, or greens sometimes being broccoli. So perhaps the kids will smell the candy from wherever they're at, and then come running to the dealership, hopefully looking both ways while passing each of the parked cars...

Regardless of the actual power of this machine, I left the dealership with fixed hazards, as well as with the knowledge that there are some lost kids out there -- and it's no wonder, considering that the only way we reach out to them is by placing machines in locations they will never think to enter...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://ProgressiveRevelations.com">ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

Slip-sliding On A Peel

Every day, or at least every other day, we make a fruit smoothie at mid morning. Almost without fail, these smoothies contain bananas; so, we go through about 10 or 12 bananas a week. Depending on my mood or the availability, these smoothies may also contain mango, papaya, pineapple, coconut or whatever other fresh fruit comes our way plus ice, water and the blender. Maybe also yoghurt or wheat germ.

However, banana is the usual and requisite smoothie base.

One day, after being out of bananas for an unreasonable amount of time (say 2 or 3 days), I journeyed to town for the morning farmer's market. I went to my regular produce lady, Latina.

&quot;Morning darling,&quot; she greeted me as usual, &quot;How's your woman?&quot;

&quot;Almost as sweet and beautiful as you,&quot; I reply, earning a kiss and a smile.

I picked out the various fruits and veggies that either caught my attention or she told me to buy. (&quot;She'd be buying this if she were here, ya know&quot;)

&quot;Bananas?&quot; I ask. &quot;Nope. No bananas,&quot; she deadpans.

&quot;Who has bananas then?&quot; I ask, hoping that she will point me to her favorite competitor.

&quot;No bananas anywhere.&quot; She is adamant. &quot;None?&quot; I am incredulous, &quot;They are the main crop of this island. How can there be no bananas? There are always bananas.&quot;

&quot;T'ain't none nowhere now,&quot; she affirms.

&quot;Are you trying to tell me there are no bananas on an island that survives on its banana exports?&quot;

&quot;Yes, we have no bananas,&quot; she says with a wicked smile.

'Harry, please save me', I think; 'this cannot be true; a mellow yellow flashback?'

'Come Mr. Tally man, tally me bananas; me tired and me want to go home' he echoes, answering from almost 40 years ago. I go home, sans banana, stunned, dazed and confused.

Two days later, a neighbor shows up with 200 bananas. &quot;I hear you want some,&quot; he says.

A few days later, we are having two smoothies a day and giving away banana bread to all our neighbors; a million fruit flies hover in my kitchen and, in my dreams, there is this recurring vision of Carmen Miranda. I am a cultural refugee, caught in a forgotten Calypso tape loop or a cosmic slapstick joke.

? Leslie Fieger. All rights reserved worldwide.

Leslie is the author of The DELFIN Knowledge System Trilogy: The Initiation, The Journey and The Quest plus many more success publications. He also the co-author of The End of the World with Hugh Jeffries and Alexandra's DragonFire with his daughter Ashley. Subscribe to his free and ad-free eZine at <a target="_new" href="http://www.ProsperityParadigm.com">http://www.ProsperityParadigm.com</a> or <a target="_new" href="http://www.LeslieFieger.com">http://www.LeslieFieger.com</a>

Reprinting and republishing of these articles is granted only with the above credit included. Permission to reprint or republish does not waive any copyright.

วันอังคารที่ 23 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

New Orleans First to Experience Housing Bubble Burst

Are we starting to see the Housing Bubble Burst in the wake of Hurricane Katrina? In New Orleans many homeowner's had their equity literally washed away. They are upside down in negative equity and basically underwater. It appears that the New Orleans Housing marker has gone down the drain. New Orleans experienced significant growth in the past year, prices had increased; many had taken out second loans to pay off credit car debt, which helped fuel the economy there. Relatively few need their credit cards for recent shopping sprees, as they just broke in with a little help from their friends and took those few items they needed for survival. You know like a; Surround-A-Sound System, with HDTV, 64&quot; Flat Panel Display to watch your favorite local team the Saints.

Yes the market is flooded with homes for sale in the City New Orleans indeed. Some of these fine homes are not only very cheap now, but they come with the former residents still inside. The local economic development association director issues a recent statement that he and his staff are very optimistic about the future of the New Orleans real estate and that they do not see a dry period in the housing market there. In addition they indicated that New Orleans has a lot going for it; water rates are cheap with an abundant supply and sewage is not a problem also quite abundant. But that is not all. They touted their many shopping districts with rock bottom prices, so low in fact it was almost like stealing and the city at this point is not even charging sales tax, almost like a duty free shopping spree. Crime and community services are also not a problem and are both abundant and non-existent. Transportation is not a problem there is virtually no traffic at all. Think about the New Orleans housing market, get in on the ground floor while prices are cheap.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

Saving SpongeBob Using High Tech

Put Active RFID Satellite Tags in SpongeBobs

SpongeBob has been in the news a lot lately, he has been a kidnapped Victim. Instead of wasting time with an Amber Alert for SpongeBob, why not put an Active RFID Satellite Tags in the SpongeBobs so we can track them to the culprits.

This would surely be a major deterrent to the kidnappers.

Such a plan would insure the safe return of Hostages such as SpongeBob and catch the people terrorizing him?

SpongeBob needs protection and apparently we could use some practice catching kidnappers and those who terrorize our most valuable people?

Apparently the temptation to break one's ethical code is easy if you reduce the crime of theft or kidnapping to a prank? Catching these thieves who steal the SpongeBob using the latest technology makes a lot of sense.

SpongeBob has been found on top of Fraternity Houses, floating in the lake and even left for dead along the roadside.

With modern technology, we can save him, Active RFID technology has come a long way and the price per tag is coming down to make it a valuable tool to re-capture SpongeBob until the next prankster removes him again from his happy home.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

The Language of Appalachia

Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few years ago and learned that I do, indeed, have an accent. You see, unlike my paternal grandmother, I don't stretch the word "cornbread" into four syllables. She might say, "Here. Have ye some co-orn-bray-ed;" whereas I might say, "You want some corn-bread?" See? Two syllables on the cornbread; "you" rather than "ye."

Unlike my maternal grandmother, I say "carrion" rather than "kyarn." In fact, I had no idea what she was talking about until recently when I mentioned the word to my husband. I told him, "Grandmother used to say, 'That stinks like kyarn.' I never figured out what 'kyarn' was." He said, "Road kill." My jaw dropped. "You mean, carrion? Kyarn is carrion?" "Yeah," he said. "Put the Appalachian accent to it." It made sense.

Unlike my mother-in-law, I say "they fought," not "they fit."

Thus, I concluded that I have no accent. After all, I'm fairly well educated. I studied French for three years, and I did some self-study of German and Greek. Plus, I'm well read, and I've authored several books. Ain't I the berries? I couldn't possibly have a hillbilly, Appalachian accent. And, yet, in Jamaica, everyone I met asked, "What part of the South are you from?"

So, I did a little research and learned that the Appalachian region has its own language. Linguists call it "Appalachian English." The Scots-Irish settled the entire region known as Appalachia (all of West Virginia and portions of Virginia, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Kentucky, Tennessee and Georgia) in the mid-1700's. At the time, physical boundaries kept modernization out. Then in the 1940's, the Great Smoky Mountains National Park was created; and that brought tourists to the area. By the 1950's, highways and telephones were more prevalent throughout Appalachia, bringing the modern world another step closer to its rural inhabitants.

Now, I don't want you to think we in Appalachia are a bunch of snobs. We realize that the same immigrants who settled here settled land elsewhere, but the linguists tell us that our speech patterns will not be found in any other dialect to the extent that they are in Appalachia. In addition, we Appalachians use variants of our own speech patterns. Just because I don't use the same words as my grandmothers doesn't mean that I don't have an Appalachian accent. In fact, the linguists say that each region has its own speech patterns and that most of us allow our situations to govern our speech. For example, when I'm talking with my family, I'm liable to let down my guard a little-use a bit more Appalachian English and a bit less Standard American English. In a more formal situation, I'll try to employ a lot less Appalachian English. Even though I know from personal experience that most Appalachians are not "dumb hillbillies," I'm afraid that others might see me that way if I use the language I naturally use. And yet, some phonological differences are so inbred, that I can't not use them.

Did you know that the t<B> </B>at the end of slept is not silent? You might say, "I slep<B>t</B> in this morning." I would say, "I slep in." To me, that "t" just doesn't feel right. It reminds me of an episode of "All in The Family" where Edith met a Jewish baker and he called her "Edit." She told him, "My name's Edi<B>th</B>! <B>Th!</B>" So then he called her "Edit-th." To me, "slep-t" would be every bit as awkward.

Do you say "exac<B>t</B>ly" or "exackly"? And how about ten? I've actually heard people say "ten" with a short e sound-like in the word "bed." How weird is that? Tin and ten are words with the "exack" same sound but different meanings.

The linguists also point out some lexical differences in Appalachian English. For example, the Standard American English word might be faucet, but the Appalachian English version would be spigot. If somebody looks sick, we might say, "he's peaked" (that's peek-ed). Did you hurt your finger? Then we might say you "stoved it up." I once knew a man who substituted "for" for "because." He'd say, "I need to go to the store, for I'm out of milk." My brother would substitute the entire remainder of our family with the word "nim." He'd ask me, "Did Mama and nim go to the store?" Some people say "knowed" rather than "knew." We're famous for our double negatives. "I don't have none of that." Our present perfect tense has raised some eyebrows, too. "He's done done it now!"

This little foray into my Appalachian heritage has given me new insight. We might chop off some of our "-ings"; we might "reckon" rather than "guess" sometimes; and we might have places with such outlandish names as "Lick Skillet," "Frog Holler" and "Sugar Loaf," but we have a rich history. We know where we came from and, for the most part, where we're going. And if anyone thinks we're a bunch of ignorant hillbillies, then you ought to come and get to know us a little better. If you stay long enough, we might be able to teach you how to talk right.


Gayle Trent's latest book is a comedic mystery titled BETWEEN A CLUTCH AND A HARD PLACE. Find out more about the book at Gayle's <A target="_new" href="http://gayle24202.tripod.com">Web Page</A>.

Its All About Seeing the Signs

Ace of Base hasn't seen the sign for quite some time now, but that doesn't stop the rest of us from doing so. In fact, on a regular basis, I see a lot of signs - and I don't like most of them. With that in mind, I thought I'd take this week's column to reveal a few examples:

Caution: Children at Play: Why are we supposed to be cautioned of this - in case they need a steady quarterback? Or, am I interpreting this wrong entirely, and it turns out that all the children are at the theater, and this is some sort of propaganda to tell adults to go too? Either way, I think there needs to be some fine print underneath the warning, preferably written in crayon...

Slow: Children at Play: For those who are unable to see colons, this sign poses an even bigger problem than the one above. If these kids are so slow, maybe they should be running laps instead of playing. That way their speed will no longer warrant the production of signs...

Warning: Neighborhood Watch: What exactly is the neighborhood watching? Rather than discouraging crime, this sign encourages people to perform acts in the middle of the street, with the knowledge that there will always be an audience...

No Parking Here to Corner: I'm tired of being told where I can't park. Instead, tell me where I can. Because of these signs, I now feel that I can park on a rooftop or in a treehouse, simply because there are no signs there...

Falling Rock: I thought VH-1 was supposed to be our source for this...

No Right Turn: If every turn is a wrong one, this makes driving virtually impossible. Society needs to be more positive, and - as all great historians have never said - that begins with sign making...

Anything with the words &quot;when children are present&quot; underneath: This pretty much translates into &quot;Ignore the above statement.&quot;

Any picture of an animal: This typically means that the animal may be crossing the road, but this ruins the continuity of signs. If there is going to be a picture of a duck crossing, for example, then why not a picture of someone stopping or yielding? And besides, ducks crossing the road aren't funny anymore? unless they are stapled to the chicken, in which case - wow, talk about a laugh riot...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

วันจันทร์ที่ 22 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Essential Laughter

Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in life. It is so refreshing to just laugh at your slips, peculiarities, forgetfulness, and fumbles. Humor has the power to dull the sharp edges of life and is a great tension reliever. Laughter stimulates the soul and boosts the immune system.

There are medical researchers who assert that laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. But, beyond this, laughter is curative. It is just good medicine for the sluggish spirit and an effective weapon against despair. It is like perfumed oil to the soul and brings joy to the spirit.

Do not take everything people say and do so seriously. Stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. Sometimes, it is emotionally prosperous to just smile at the ridiculous, grin at the obnoxious and laugh at the absurd. Transform life's &quot;ugh&quot; into laughter. It was Sterne who asserted, &quot;I live in a constant endeavor to fence against the infirmities of ill-health, and other evils of life, by humor. I am persuaded that every time a man smiles ? but much more so when he laughs ? it adds something to this fragment of life.&quot; Let the gift of laughter enhance your life.

In the midst of problematic situations, steal moments of humor. You will be astonished to find that for those moments, your problems disappear. For those few moments, your problems do not exist in your reality and life is wonderful. When the humorous moments pass, the problems no longer seem as monumental as you thought. Embrace humor. Come on now, liven up!

THE ACQUITTAL

Mrs. Graite had reached her limit;
The pain no more could bear.
Her pastor's boring sermons
Had led her to mad despair.

She invited him to dinner;
Prepared tasty veal.
Suspecting something was not right
He refused to eat the meal.

She thought, as she was led away
In handcuffs to a cell,
"No more boring sermons
Is worth all my time in jail."

But her prison term was short
'Cause the jury heard a tape,
Of the preacher's boring sermons
And acquitted Mrs Graite.

This poem is taken from "Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach."

Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. <a target="_new" href="http://www.clergyservices4u.org">http://www.clergyservices4u.org.</a> She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, will be available soon.

วันเสาร์ที่ 20 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Psychiatric Psychiatrist - A Joke on Psychiatry

A few weeks ago I went to see a psychiatrist.

We talked about how I was feeling. I really wanted to hit him in the face when he asked that. I didn?t do that. I regret that now. No, I replied politely and asked him if he thought I came there because he is such a nice guy, and the chairs are really comfortable. He didn?t say anything to that. He just smiled and I smiled back.

I shouldn?t have done that

Then he asked me if I did any kind of drugs. I asked him if he had any, and if he thought it would help if I took some. He didn?t think that was funny. But I did. Then he asked me what I thought the problem was. I told him my problem was that people asked too many questions. Then he asked me why. I gave up on everything at that point. I told him that.

I shouldn?t have done that.

He told me I had a depression. That made me depressed. Then he told me to take some pills and fill out a form. That confirmed the reason I went there. Life sucks. Then I went home and felt ackward. I decided to call a friend. My friend picked the phone up. I told him that the psychiatrist had told me I was depressed.

I shouldn?t have done that.

My friend asked me alot of questions. I answered his questions. Then he went neurotic on me, and treated me like a disease which needed to be cured. Then I told him to go fuck himself. I never talked to that friend again. He told my other friends. They told their friends who told their .. Nobody wants to talk to me now. I told my psychiatrist that last week. He told me that my depression was getting worse. Then he gave me some stronger pills, and alot of new forms to fill out.

I shouldn?t have done that.

I took the pills and filled out the forms. Then my psychiatrist put me in this psychiatric ward i?m in today. The walls are white, and the straps are tight. I like it here. They say i?m going to be here for a long time. I don?t mind. The nurses have nice tits, and they don?t ask questions.

That?s what I did.

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วันศุกร์ที่ 19 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Humans are like Monkeys

Humans think much like monkeys and other primates, not much different in their abilities to reason. Why is this? We mimic, copy, imitate that which we see. This is a common thing that all higher primates do, including us. But if we would stop and think and allow original uninhibited thought to flow without fear of being chastised, cast out, imprisoned, punished, ridiculed or made example of, then we might really come up with some great innovations which would certainly propel mankind to better quality of life and higher standard of living.

We see where Bill Gates in a brain storming exercise allows for the challenging of the flow of new idea, stating &quot;That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of in my life!&quot; Challenging, the thinker to defend their idea, challenging them to passionately defend their views, debate, thus this gives them the strength of character to go against the norm and continue to come up with new ideas. If the thinker of the thought can defend their position then they have what it takes. It is not often that you find an original thinker with the strength of character to over run the critics, a politically correct society, the thought police and the &quot;Not invented here&quot; fiefdom-ists. But we need to instill people to think.

We need to develop a culture that is based on the thought that young people should never know or expect limitations in life and never be inhibited in the process of thought. We should encourage thinking and the exchange of ideas. We can do this by making sure that our youth can believe in themselves, have confidence in their own abilities, and think for themselves. By doing this we can insure that they are not afraid to think or to communicate these new thoughts.

We can break through the confines of religion, prejudice, economic enslavement, war, education, physical limitations, and government bureaucracy all for the common good and all by simply thinking. All this can be ours if we simply teach people of all ages that it is okay to think, have ideas, "Because one person can change the world." But only if that person believes in him or her self enough to speak up and share their ideas without fear of being outcast. Maybe we need to develop more one-hundredth monkeys and start acting like human beings? Think about it.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

Lactose Intolerant? It could be a good thing

Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions. Lactose intolerant individuals have huge problems with gas from the inability to process certain dairy products and foods. Therefore such an individual after eating will create gas, methane, which could be used as fuel. There are methane based fuel cell units available and a few companies, which have such portable devices now. And some will be online soon;

http://www.lbl.gov/Science-Articles/Archive/MSD-fuel-cells.html

http://www.mtpc.org/2004dev/cleanenergy/cells.htm

Hydrogen can be generated from methane. That lactose intolerant individual maybe much more valuable than once thought. By using this gas as a source needed to run a fuel cell we may also help keep batteries charged in space craft for explorers, army communications personal and for survival situations. The human body has the ability to generate waste and if properly monitored, stored and re-used it may just be enought to keep them alive and powered up.

As NASA explores ways to power up space colonies and allow ways for explorers to survive the deep of space, all options must be left open and maybe some body orfices too? Currently scientists and researchers are trying to figure out ways to recycle and reuse body fluids, human waste and water for long-term space travel? Some day you may wish you were lactose intolerant, but for now keep the hot air coming. Just sit next to the other members of the crew.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

วันพฤหัสบดีที่ 18 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Health Club Regulars ?- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym

One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the huge variety of exercise equipment that's available. It's also a great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society. Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars:

1. Screaming Banshee ?- We've all been focused on our workout when out of nowhere comes a blood-curdling sound from the corner of the weight room. You look over and there's a guy doing laterals with 20 lb dumbbells. It doesn't matter what the exercise or weight is ?- he's screaming with every rep. If it helps his workouts, then more power to him! It certainly makes a good case for a Walkman.

2. The Strainer ?- The Strainer can often be observed loading up a barbell or weight stack with poundage that he is unable to perform even a single rep in good form with. A favorite exercise of the Strainer is the triceps press down machine. He will position the pin almost near the bottom of the weight stack and then proceed to wrestle the stack downward with every ounce of his being. It's truly painful to watch, but like a car wreck, it's hard to look away.

After using most all of the muscles in his upper body along with several in his lower, he finally manages to complete a rep. &quot;That's one!&quot; Yep, only nine more to go. Oh yeah, don't bother trying to be helpful and tell him to use less weight. You'll only be greeted with a nasty glare.

3. iPod Head Banger ?- this is usually a young person, male or female, who seems to have ear buds permanently implanted into their head. Music can be a great inspiration during your workouts, but these folks turn the volume up to 11. Of course everyone in the immediate area can groove to the same jams due to the sound leaking out from their ear buds.

The hazard is that Mr. or Ms Head Banger is usually oblivious to their surroundings and you'll need to shout to get their attention if the need arises. At least you can hear them coming and give them a wide berth.

4. Stanley Steamer ?- it's hard to believe, but there are people who actually use their gym memberships just to avail themselves of the locker room amenities. Take Stanley Steamer for example. He may come in on his lunch hour or after work and do some quick cardio work and then it's right back to the locker room. The cardio work is just a pretext for what comes next.

He then will do alternating shifts between the dry sauna and steam room until he's sweated out every last drop of water from his body. This process can go on for up to an hour. &quot;Great for the pores!&quot; he'll tell you as he stands there glistening like a Thanksgiving Butterball. You go Stan!

5. Ken and Barbie ?- there are some gym regulars who are so genetically gifted that they have gone into permanent &quot;maintenance mode&quot; for they're training. Their routines consist of a solid core of shaping exercises with the strict rule that they must never, under any circumstances, ever shed one drop of sweat!

No hair is out of place and they look spectacular in their Lycra workout gear. In fact, you seem to never see them wearing anything else, even outside of the gym.

6. Chatty Cathy ?- Cathy is a relatively new species that has evolved with the proliferation of cell phones and the trend to use them no matter where we are. She will take up position on the adductor machine and wait for a call ?- any call ?- which soon arrives without fail.

She'll talk away for minutes on end. Occasionally passing the cell phone to any friends who have joined her for a &quot;workout&quot;. She'll use these breaks to get in a few reps on whatever machine she's parked herself on. Just to be fair and balanced, there are also plenty of Chatty Carls as well.

7. Swiss Ball Magician ?- this is usually either a personal trainer or staff member who has learned a large repertoire of stability ball exercises from a special course or secret training manual. I marvel at the endless variety of moves they possess!

They're on top of the ball, under it, along side it, between the legs with it, and around the back. They make the Harlem Globe Trotters look like pikers! Actually, I pay close attention when they're around and try to cop some of their moves.

All of these types are well-meaning folks and they are certainly preferable to some of the knuckleheads that sometimes show up at the gym. They make going to the gym the enjoyable and enriching experience that it is.

Rich Rojas

Elliptical Trainer Reviews and Fitness Ideas

<a target="_new" href="http://www.ellipticalhome.com">http://www.ellipticalhome.com</a>