วันอังคารที่ 23 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

The Language of Appalachia

Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few years ago and learned that I do, indeed, have an accent. You see, unlike my paternal grandmother, I don't stretch the word "cornbread" into four syllables. She might say, "Here. Have ye some co-orn-bray-ed;" whereas I might say, "You want some corn-bread?" See? Two syllables on the cornbread; "you" rather than "ye."

Unlike my maternal grandmother, I say "carrion" rather than "kyarn." In fact, I had no idea what she was talking about until recently when I mentioned the word to my husband. I told him, "Grandmother used to say, 'That stinks like kyarn.' I never figured out what 'kyarn' was." He said, "Road kill." My jaw dropped. "You mean, carrion? Kyarn is carrion?" "Yeah," he said. "Put the Appalachian accent to it." It made sense.

Unlike my mother-in-law, I say "they fought," not "they fit."

Thus, I concluded that I have no accent. After all, I'm fairly well educated. I studied French for three years, and I did some self-study of German and Greek. Plus, I'm well read, and I've authored several books. Ain't I the berries? I couldn't possibly have a hillbilly, Appalachian accent. And, yet, in Jamaica, everyone I met asked, "What part of the South are you from?"

So, I did a little research and learned that the Appalachian region has its own language. Linguists call it "Appalachian English." The Scots-Irish settled the entire region known as Appalachia (all of West Virginia and portions of Virginia, Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Kentucky, Tennessee and Georgia) in the mid-1700's. At the time, physical boundaries kept modernization out. Then in the 1940's, the Great Smoky Mountains National Park was created; and that brought tourists to the area. By the 1950's, highways and telephones were more prevalent throughout Appalachia, bringing the modern world another step closer to its rural inhabitants.

Now, I don't want you to think we in Appalachia are a bunch of snobs. We realize that the same immigrants who settled here settled land elsewhere, but the linguists tell us that our speech patterns will not be found in any other dialect to the extent that they are in Appalachia. In addition, we Appalachians use variants of our own speech patterns. Just because I don't use the same words as my grandmothers doesn't mean that I don't have an Appalachian accent. In fact, the linguists say that each region has its own speech patterns and that most of us allow our situations to govern our speech. For example, when I'm talking with my family, I'm liable to let down my guard a little-use a bit more Appalachian English and a bit less Standard American English. In a more formal situation, I'll try to employ a lot less Appalachian English. Even though I know from personal experience that most Appalachians are not "dumb hillbillies," I'm afraid that others might see me that way if I use the language I naturally use. And yet, some phonological differences are so inbred, that I can't not use them.

Did you know that the t<B> </B>at the end of slept is not silent? You might say, "I slep<B>t</B> in this morning." I would say, "I slep in." To me, that "t" just doesn't feel right. It reminds me of an episode of "All in The Family" where Edith met a Jewish baker and he called her "Edit." She told him, "My name's Edi<B>th</B>! <B>Th!</B>" So then he called her "Edit-th." To me, "slep-t" would be every bit as awkward.

Do you say "exac<B>t</B>ly" or "exackly"? And how about ten? I've actually heard people say "ten" with a short e sound-like in the word "bed." How weird is that? Tin and ten are words with the "exack" same sound but different meanings.

The linguists also point out some lexical differences in Appalachian English. For example, the Standard American English word might be faucet, but the Appalachian English version would be spigot. If somebody looks sick, we might say, "he's peaked" (that's peek-ed). Did you hurt your finger? Then we might say you "stoved it up." I once knew a man who substituted "for" for "because." He'd say, "I need to go to the store, for I'm out of milk." My brother would substitute the entire remainder of our family with the word "nim." He'd ask me, "Did Mama and nim go to the store?" Some people say "knowed" rather than "knew." We're famous for our double negatives. "I don't have none of that." Our present perfect tense has raised some eyebrows, too. "He's done done it now!"

This little foray into my Appalachian heritage has given me new insight. We might chop off some of our "-ings"; we might "reckon" rather than "guess" sometimes; and we might have places with such outlandish names as "Lick Skillet," "Frog Holler" and "Sugar Loaf," but we have a rich history. We know where we came from and, for the most part, where we're going. And if anyone thinks we're a bunch of ignorant hillbillies, then you ought to come and get to know us a little better. If you stay long enough, we might be able to teach you how to talk right.


Gayle Trent's latest book is a comedic mystery titled BETWEEN A CLUTCH AND A HARD PLACE. Find out more about the book at Gayle's <A target="_new" href="http://gayle24202.tripod.com">Web Page</A>.

Its All About Seeing the Signs

Ace of Base hasn't seen the sign for quite some time now, but that doesn't stop the rest of us from doing so. In fact, on a regular basis, I see a lot of signs - and I don't like most of them. With that in mind, I thought I'd take this week's column to reveal a few examples:

Caution: Children at Play: Why are we supposed to be cautioned of this - in case they need a steady quarterback? Or, am I interpreting this wrong entirely, and it turns out that all the children are at the theater, and this is some sort of propaganda to tell adults to go too? Either way, I think there needs to be some fine print underneath the warning, preferably written in crayon...

Slow: Children at Play: For those who are unable to see colons, this sign poses an even bigger problem than the one above. If these kids are so slow, maybe they should be running laps instead of playing. That way their speed will no longer warrant the production of signs...

Warning: Neighborhood Watch: What exactly is the neighborhood watching? Rather than discouraging crime, this sign encourages people to perform acts in the middle of the street, with the knowledge that there will always be an audience...

No Parking Here to Corner: I'm tired of being told where I can't park. Instead, tell me where I can. Because of these signs, I now feel that I can park on a rooftop or in a treehouse, simply because there are no signs there...

Falling Rock: I thought VH-1 was supposed to be our source for this...

No Right Turn: If every turn is a wrong one, this makes driving virtually impossible. Society needs to be more positive, and - as all great historians have never said - that begins with sign making...

Anything with the words &quot;when children are present&quot; underneath: This pretty much translates into &quot;Ignore the above statement.&quot;

Any picture of an animal: This typically means that the animal may be crossing the road, but this ruins the continuity of signs. If there is going to be a picture of a duck crossing, for example, then why not a picture of someone stopping or yielding? And besides, ducks crossing the road aren't funny anymore? unless they are stapled to the chicken, in which case - wow, talk about a laugh riot...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (<a target="_new" href="http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com">http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com</a>)

วันจันทร์ที่ 22 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Essential Laughter

Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in life. It is so refreshing to just laugh at your slips, peculiarities, forgetfulness, and fumbles. Humor has the power to dull the sharp edges of life and is a great tension reliever. Laughter stimulates the soul and boosts the immune system.

There are medical researchers who assert that laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. But, beyond this, laughter is curative. It is just good medicine for the sluggish spirit and an effective weapon against despair. It is like perfumed oil to the soul and brings joy to the spirit.

Do not take everything people say and do so seriously. Stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. Sometimes, it is emotionally prosperous to just smile at the ridiculous, grin at the obnoxious and laugh at the absurd. Transform life's &quot;ugh&quot; into laughter. It was Sterne who asserted, &quot;I live in a constant endeavor to fence against the infirmities of ill-health, and other evils of life, by humor. I am persuaded that every time a man smiles ? but much more so when he laughs ? it adds something to this fragment of life.&quot; Let the gift of laughter enhance your life.

In the midst of problematic situations, steal moments of humor. You will be astonished to find that for those moments, your problems disappear. For those few moments, your problems do not exist in your reality and life is wonderful. When the humorous moments pass, the problems no longer seem as monumental as you thought. Embrace humor. Come on now, liven up!

THE ACQUITTAL

Mrs. Graite had reached her limit;
The pain no more could bear.
Her pastor's boring sermons
Had led her to mad despair.

She invited him to dinner;
Prepared tasty veal.
Suspecting something was not right
He refused to eat the meal.

She thought, as she was led away
In handcuffs to a cell,
"No more boring sermons
Is worth all my time in jail."

But her prison term was short
'Cause the jury heard a tape,
Of the preacher's boring sermons
And acquitted Mrs Graite.

This poem is taken from "Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach."

Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. <a target="_new" href="http://www.clergyservices4u.org">http://www.clergyservices4u.org.</a> She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, will be available soon.

วันเสาร์ที่ 20 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Psychiatric Psychiatrist - A Joke on Psychiatry

A few weeks ago I went to see a psychiatrist.

We talked about how I was feeling. I really wanted to hit him in the face when he asked that. I didn?t do that. I regret that now. No, I replied politely and asked him if he thought I came there because he is such a nice guy, and the chairs are really comfortable. He didn?t say anything to that. He just smiled and I smiled back.

I shouldn?t have done that

Then he asked me if I did any kind of drugs. I asked him if he had any, and if he thought it would help if I took some. He didn?t think that was funny. But I did. Then he asked me what I thought the problem was. I told him my problem was that people asked too many questions. Then he asked me why. I gave up on everything at that point. I told him that.

I shouldn?t have done that.

He told me I had a depression. That made me depressed. Then he told me to take some pills and fill out a form. That confirmed the reason I went there. Life sucks. Then I went home and felt ackward. I decided to call a friend. My friend picked the phone up. I told him that the psychiatrist had told me I was depressed.

I shouldn?t have done that.

My friend asked me alot of questions. I answered his questions. Then he went neurotic on me, and treated me like a disease which needed to be cured. Then I told him to go fuck himself. I never talked to that friend again. He told my other friends. They told their friends who told their .. Nobody wants to talk to me now. I told my psychiatrist that last week. He told me that my depression was getting worse. Then he gave me some stronger pills, and alot of new forms to fill out.

I shouldn?t have done that.

I took the pills and filled out the forms. Then my psychiatrist put me in this psychiatric ward i?m in today. The walls are white, and the straps are tight. I like it here. They say i?m going to be here for a long time. I don?t mind. The nurses have nice tits, and they don?t ask questions.

That?s what I did.

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วันศุกร์ที่ 19 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Humans are like Monkeys

Humans think much like monkeys and other primates, not much different in their abilities to reason. Why is this? We mimic, copy, imitate that which we see. This is a common thing that all higher primates do, including us. But if we would stop and think and allow original uninhibited thought to flow without fear of being chastised, cast out, imprisoned, punished, ridiculed or made example of, then we might really come up with some great innovations which would certainly propel mankind to better quality of life and higher standard of living.

We see where Bill Gates in a brain storming exercise allows for the challenging of the flow of new idea, stating &quot;That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of in my life!&quot; Challenging, the thinker to defend their idea, challenging them to passionately defend their views, debate, thus this gives them the strength of character to go against the norm and continue to come up with new ideas. If the thinker of the thought can defend their position then they have what it takes. It is not often that you find an original thinker with the strength of character to over run the critics, a politically correct society, the thought police and the &quot;Not invented here&quot; fiefdom-ists. But we need to instill people to think.

We need to develop a culture that is based on the thought that young people should never know or expect limitations in life and never be inhibited in the process of thought. We should encourage thinking and the exchange of ideas. We can do this by making sure that our youth can believe in themselves, have confidence in their own abilities, and think for themselves. By doing this we can insure that they are not afraid to think or to communicate these new thoughts.

We can break through the confines of religion, prejudice, economic enslavement, war, education, physical limitations, and government bureaucracy all for the common good and all by simply thinking. All this can be ours if we simply teach people of all ages that it is okay to think, have ideas, "Because one person can change the world." But only if that person believes in him or her self enough to speak up and share their ideas without fear of being outcast. Maybe we need to develop more one-hundredth monkeys and start acting like human beings? Think about it.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

Lactose Intolerant? It could be a good thing

Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions. Lactose intolerant individuals have huge problems with gas from the inability to process certain dairy products and foods. Therefore such an individual after eating will create gas, methane, which could be used as fuel. There are methane based fuel cell units available and a few companies, which have such portable devices now. And some will be online soon;

http://www.lbl.gov/Science-Articles/Archive/MSD-fuel-cells.html

http://www.mtpc.org/2004dev/cleanenergy/cells.htm

Hydrogen can be generated from methane. That lactose intolerant individual maybe much more valuable than once thought. By using this gas as a source needed to run a fuel cell we may also help keep batteries charged in space craft for explorers, army communications personal and for survival situations. The human body has the ability to generate waste and if properly monitored, stored and re-used it may just be enought to keep them alive and powered up.

As NASA explores ways to power up space colonies and allow ways for explorers to survive the deep of space, all options must be left open and maybe some body orfices too? Currently scientists and researchers are trying to figure out ways to recycle and reuse body fluids, human waste and water for long-term space travel? Some day you may wish you were lactose intolerant, but for now keep the hot air coming. Just sit next to the other members of the crew.

"Lance Winslow" - If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; <a target="_new" href="http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs">www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs</a>

วันพฤหัสบดีที่ 18 ธันวาคม พ.ศ. 2551

Health Club Regulars ?- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym

One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the huge variety of exercise equipment that's available. It's also a great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society. Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars:

1. Screaming Banshee ?- We've all been focused on our workout when out of nowhere comes a blood-curdling sound from the corner of the weight room. You look over and there's a guy doing laterals with 20 lb dumbbells. It doesn't matter what the exercise or weight is ?- he's screaming with every rep. If it helps his workouts, then more power to him! It certainly makes a good case for a Walkman.

2. The Strainer ?- The Strainer can often be observed loading up a barbell or weight stack with poundage that he is unable to perform even a single rep in good form with. A favorite exercise of the Strainer is the triceps press down machine. He will position the pin almost near the bottom of the weight stack and then proceed to wrestle the stack downward with every ounce of his being. It's truly painful to watch, but like a car wreck, it's hard to look away.

After using most all of the muscles in his upper body along with several in his lower, he finally manages to complete a rep. &quot;That's one!&quot; Yep, only nine more to go. Oh yeah, don't bother trying to be helpful and tell him to use less weight. You'll only be greeted with a nasty glare.

3. iPod Head Banger ?- this is usually a young person, male or female, who seems to have ear buds permanently implanted into their head. Music can be a great inspiration during your workouts, but these folks turn the volume up to 11. Of course everyone in the immediate area can groove to the same jams due to the sound leaking out from their ear buds.

The hazard is that Mr. or Ms Head Banger is usually oblivious to their surroundings and you'll need to shout to get their attention if the need arises. At least you can hear them coming and give them a wide berth.

4. Stanley Steamer ?- it's hard to believe, but there are people who actually use their gym memberships just to avail themselves of the locker room amenities. Take Stanley Steamer for example. He may come in on his lunch hour or after work and do some quick cardio work and then it's right back to the locker room. The cardio work is just a pretext for what comes next.

He then will do alternating shifts between the dry sauna and steam room until he's sweated out every last drop of water from his body. This process can go on for up to an hour. &quot;Great for the pores!&quot; he'll tell you as he stands there glistening like a Thanksgiving Butterball. You go Stan!

5. Ken and Barbie ?- there are some gym regulars who are so genetically gifted that they have gone into permanent &quot;maintenance mode&quot; for they're training. Their routines consist of a solid core of shaping exercises with the strict rule that they must never, under any circumstances, ever shed one drop of sweat!

No hair is out of place and they look spectacular in their Lycra workout gear. In fact, you seem to never see them wearing anything else, even outside of the gym.

6. Chatty Cathy ?- Cathy is a relatively new species that has evolved with the proliferation of cell phones and the trend to use them no matter where we are. She will take up position on the adductor machine and wait for a call ?- any call ?- which soon arrives without fail.

She'll talk away for minutes on end. Occasionally passing the cell phone to any friends who have joined her for a &quot;workout&quot;. She'll use these breaks to get in a few reps on whatever machine she's parked herself on. Just to be fair and balanced, there are also plenty of Chatty Carls as well.

7. Swiss Ball Magician ?- this is usually either a personal trainer or staff member who has learned a large repertoire of stability ball exercises from a special course or secret training manual. I marvel at the endless variety of moves they possess!

They're on top of the ball, under it, along side it, between the legs with it, and around the back. They make the Harlem Globe Trotters look like pikers! Actually, I pay close attention when they're around and try to cop some of their moves.

All of these types are well-meaning folks and they are certainly preferable to some of the knuckleheads that sometimes show up at the gym. They make going to the gym the enjoyable and enriching experience that it is.

Rich Rojas

Elliptical Trainer Reviews and Fitness Ideas

<a target="_new" href="http://www.ellipticalhome.com">http://www.ellipticalhome.com</a>